A Car Ride To Christmas

The following is an excerpt from Chapter 1 of the book, False Hope, that I am in the middle of writing. I would like feed back of what you think so far. The book is based on my journey of living with an alcoholic and how it effected my life, his and the people around us.

A Car Ride to Christmas

It was a frosty winter’s day. The celebration of Christ our King had come and the commercialization of Christmas drew to a close. However, the typical Christmas festivities would be interrupted by shiny red lights, which unfortunately wasn’t Rudolph’s nose. You see my boyfriend of 10 years, Mike, was a drinker, a heavy drinker at that. When it was time to conjugate in social situations, he would put on a “sober” face and carry on. He would then be back to his old ways within a few hours until the next gathering. This behavior eventually took a toll and caused a blue Christmas.

We awoke to a normal day at our downtown dwelling. We lived in a five story apartment building overlooking the beautiful scenic city. Both of us dressed, collected our presents, and were out the door. Our first stop along our route was my parent’s house. My family observes a traditional Christmas. The entire family-aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc… assemble for food and exchanging of gifts. The affection and love we have for each other is deeply rooted and shows.

After a long afternoon of conversations and bonding, the two of us left to embark on our next Christmas get-together, which was 20-25 minutes away. On our pleasant drive to Mike’s mother’s house, we both chit chatted about how the grey sky looked with the peak of sunshine bursting from the white fluffy clouds. It was then the unenviable happened. I heard a thud sound coming from the passenger’s side of the car where Mike was sitting. My first inclination was are you okay? As that thought raced across my mind, I glanced over to see if everything was alright. As I slowly turned my head to the right, I quickly saw what would become an occasional occurrence. Mike was uncontrollably jerking with his eyes rolled back into his head. I had never experienced such and was deathly afraid.

Mortified, I let out a huge scream that could only be comparable to a character in a Hitchcock movie. I drove as quickly and fast as I could up the winding ridge we were traveling and made it safe into a person’s drive way. I jumped out of my car and nervously flagged down bystanders for help. These two men came to my aide. Frantic, I told them the situation and that I had never experienced this type of activity before and I didn’t know what to do. They both went to the car where Michael was sitting to check up on him. I immediately dialed for emergency personnel.

As I dialed 911, I was hyperventilating. I didn’t know how the situation would turn out. The 911 operator told me to calm down and make sure Mike was breathing. As I approached the car, the two men were trying to speak to Mike. However, he was in a daze. I responded to the operator with a yes, he is breathing. She assured me that everything was going to be alright and help was on the way.

After I hung up with emergency dispatch, I immediately called my parent’s house. When they answered the phone, I quickly screamed, Mike had a seizure. Shocked, my parent’s told me to settle down that the ambulance would be there shortly to assess the situation. Shaking uncontrollably myself, I said my goodbyes and dialed his mother’s cell. Since we were literally down the road from his mother’s house, she and his sister drove up to the scene at the same time the paramedics arrived.

Treatment, Support, Life

For many years I hid behind a facade. I lived a life not known by many that took havoc on my physical and emotional well-being. I guess you could say it was my choice in the matter, but it was far too difficult and complicated to break loose. When I finally let the cat out of the bag so to speak, I felt a sense of relief and encouragement. However, I still have that preconceived notion in the back of my mind that states, “watch out for judgment.” 

Society’s stigmas are often harsh and negative, especially when it comes to drugs and alcohol. One who is an addict is frequently labeled with unfavorable jargon. Words and feelings expressed to an addict can have an impact on their addiction and the recovery process. Positive reinforcement and support lets one know that they can gain their life back with the right treatment. 

Treatment, support, life is a 3-step process that allows an addict to obtain a sober way of living. Treatment is the first step to any recovery process. One who is severely addicted may have to start the treatment process detoxing in a hospital setting. Alcoholics tend to detox worse than any other drug addict. Complications from detox include mild effects such as sweats and nausea and more severe reactions like seizures. A person going through what is known as the DT’s can simply die from it. One should not detox on their own. 

Once a person is fully detoxed, the treatment process continues. Group therapy, individual therapy, and 12 step programs are recommended for individuals with addiction. Inpatient and outpatient rehab is available as well. Both offer a patient a way to learn certain tool to cope with addiction. Those tools are important to maintain a sober lifestyle. 

When the individual is finished with treatment, further treatment and support is encouraged to keep a person living a clean life. Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), psychological therapy, sober living, etc… all help a person on a successful journey. It is very crucial that the addict following their aftercare plan. If they stray, the likelihood of relapsing is at a high rate. 

With treatment, along with continued support, the addict can start living the sober life they so hoped for. It is not an easy road by any means. It will be a challenge. There will be major ups and downs. Relapse is a very big possibility, especially once the addict is introduced back into their regular living environment. Temptation is all around us. However, if one sticks to their aftercare plan and continues to try and overcome obstacles one can make it out alive.

So Emotional

This month marks the one year anniversary of Whitney Houston's death. When I first heard that she had passed away, I was literally shocked. I know that she had gone down a spiraling path, but I am an optimistic person. I thought she would prevail. After all she was the quintessential queen of pop. Her strong vocals and high octaves sent chills. Who doesn't love the song, "I will Always Love you?"

I was upset at the days following her passing. Facebook status's were filled with the stereotypical drug and alcohol jokes. For anyone who has not been personally effected by the horrific disease they just need to shut their mouth. It isn't a joking matter. Some will say, stop being so sensitive, but it is someone's life here we are talking about. I couldn't imagine what Whitney felt inside. Why ridicule someone who was suffering tremendously?  Again addiction is not a matter of willpower. If it was, there would be people still alive today that fought so hard from the disease; my late boyfriend included.

In the last few days, country singer Mindy McCready's death has been receiving coverage on every news channel. She started having problems quite sometime ago and landed on the reality television show, "Celebrity Rehab," with Dr. Drew Pinsky. Since the show, it seemed that she was in the midst of turning her life around. However, in January, her boyfriend took his own life and that turned McCready's upside down. I personally know how it feels for someone to take their life. I had a great friend who committed suicide in 2009 and my boyfriend basically committed suicide by drinking himself to death in 2012. Both very tragic events.

McCready was a fabulous country singer. Her music shined in the country genre. Her hits were heard by many just like the sad news about her death. After I heard about her death, I was preparing myself to hear rude and insulting jokes about it. I was surprised that I hadn't heard anything, until I read this Fox News Article. Now I am sitting here fuming from my nose and my ears.

Dr. Drew Pinsky has counseled over 10,000 individuals for substance abuse and mental illness. His television series is a minor part of his overall career. What people don't understand is individuals who are sick with addiction or mental illness do not always survive even though they go to rehab. It is UP to the INDIVIDUAL to want to change. You can't make someone change their life when they don't want to. I spent 10 years of my life trying that and where did it end? Death. It put me almost in the mental hospital myself.

Rehab facilities are there to help the patient detox in a safe environment, teach them the tools to cope with the disease, design an after care plan that will hopefully lead them on the track to a sober life, but the patient has to want it. My boyfriend went to multiple rehab facilities. The first one he left early. Why? He claimed it wasn't working and he thought he was wasting his money. He again went to a different rehab facility for 28 days inpatient treatment. Not only did he learn a lot, I also learned a ton of stuff that I never knew. Family weekends are very important for family members to attend, so they can gain knowledge to help their loved ones during this difficult time.

My boyfriend chose not to follow his after care plan. He ditched it entirely. He needed to go to Sober Living is exactly what he needed. However, me, his family, counselors, doctors, etc... could talk to him till we were blue in the face, but it went in one ear and out the other. He thought he could do it on his own. He thought he had enough willpower to over come the disease and guess what? He didn't. It is VERY crucial for someone to have help and support. Most individuals do not like the stigma attached to addiction and mental illness and that is why they do not seek treatment or continue with their treatment plan.

Dr. Drew may have lost 3 celebrities that were on his show to addiction, but you can't blame him Richard Marx, comparing Dr. Drew to Dr. Kevorkian. I am astounded by that statement in the Fox News article. Obviously, Mr. Marx doesn't know what he is talking about. Not every doctor can save every patients life. Mental illness and addiction IS a brain disease. The brain chemically changes and individuals dealing with it are constantly struggling day to day. So yes, 3 people died from "Celebrity Rehab." However, look at all the other thousands of people that Dr. Drew was able to help and save.

I have always been a fan of Dr. Drew way before his "Celebrity Rehab" days. Now that I am more knowledgeable about addiction/mental illness and going to go to school to get my masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling, I understand most of the stuff he relays to his clients on the shows.

I am hoping one day that the stigma will change. I am also hoping that treatment is more readily available to those in need. Research before judging. These are people's lives we are talking about here. One day it could be the one you love struggling. Never say never.

The Old Cat Lady

This is my 10th attempt at starting out this blog. I wasn't quite sure what I wanted to write about exactly. I had a few ideas like sober companions, but I'm not feeling it. This has definitely been an off day for me. Being the first Valentine's Day without Michael has been kind of a downer, but not as much as not getting a job that I so hoped I'd get.

I've been out of work since August of 2011. For some time, I needed the break. Everything that went on with Michael was definitely stressful. I knew that it was my opportunity to return to school as well. I started school the spring semester of 2012 and was also scouting for a part-time position. I mainly went back to school to gain more knowledge and skills in the web design area. I noticed that a lot of copywriter jobs wanted someone with web design experience. I figured if I took a few classes that would boost my skill set and I would be more marketable for jobs.

I never received a part-time job during school. After school, I realized that web design was not for me. I did not like coding. I started to look for a full-time job in the communications field. I scored an interview for a position that would definitely enhance my career path. However, I didn't get the job. Michael became really sick right after and my time was focused on him. After his death, I needed a break. I was having a mental breakdown. I couldn't cope with a job at the moment.

A few months after, I started looking for jobs again and again. I would apply daily. I would apply ALL over the world. It just wasn't in my hometown. My friend, Sarah, moved to Atlanta and I used her address to try and score a job down in the Big A. I had phone interviews, but that is as far as it went. Of course, I was getting FRUSTRATED.

Month after month of job hunting, I decided that I didn't want to be in the communications field anymore. I decided that I wanted to do something within the substance abuse and recovery field. I saw that the local university had a program and I applied for it. All the while, I looked into getting a part-time job. With my back the way it is, I cannot stand. I have to have a sit down job. If I could stand, I would go get a job at the grocery store or at the mall.

The program at the local university required that I take the MAT test. I was in the middle of studying for it when I found out from my bereavement counselor that the program will only allow me to get a certain licenses and I really need another type of licenses to really get deep into that career field. So I put the MAT on halt and looked into some other college programs that my counselor and another counselor told me about.  I found a couple that I am definitely interested in. However, they are in other states. That would require money that I do not have.

My goal now is to get a full-time job that will allow me to save up money to make the transition into one of those college programs. Unfortunately, I am having a hard time finding a job. I'm looking for ANYTHING that will allow me to sit down. I don't care what it is. I really don't. I am not picky at this point. I have goals and I am going to achieve them. I will go back to get my Masters. It may not be this year or next, but you can guarantee that I will at some point and I will work in the human service/rehab field.

I am determined to get to where I want to be. Something ALWAYS gets in my way. During my twenties it was my situation with Michael. My therapist said that when he stopped growing because of his alcoholism, I stopped growing as well since I was his caretaker. I can fully start to grow again.

I need to stop comparing myself to others. Most of everyone I know has jobs, married, have a house, some have kids, etc... I have none of that. Is it on my list? It has always been on my list. However, I keep getting older and think to myself that none of that is going to happen and I am going to be the old cat lady.  I don't want to be the old cat lady. I'm trying everything within my power to not become that.

Just feels like I can't catch a break and it is hard watching others get the breaks they want. It is even worse when you live with depression as well. It takes you deeper down into a darker place. Writing is something that allows me to get all my feelings out in a positive manner. My therapist said it was a good way to channel my feelings.

Sorry if I vent a lot and complain. It is hard to be positive all the time when everything negative is coming your way.

You Gotta Get Up and Try, Try, Try...

Over the years, my health has deteriorated. Growing up, I never really got sick. I had the chicken pox as a child along with the occasional cold or sinus infection, but for the most part, I was a happy and healthy child/teen. My health problems didn't start until 2005. From then until now, my health has impacted my entire life.

In 2005, I started having gallbladder attacks. My aunt and mother, who both had theirs removed, knew that was the problem. My doctor insisted that it was just an ulcer. I took the ulcer medication he prescribed and it worked. It was a temporary solution to what could of been a fatal problem. My gallbladder was on the brink of exploding. It was so diseased. It also was fused together with my liver. This caused a 5 day hospital stay with a drain tube out my right side. Instead of the easy laparoscopic surgery, I had the old school cut open style. Talk about being out of commission for a month.

After my gallbladder attack, I started having what I would call is the most debilitating disease of them all; depression. If you haven't experienced true depression, I hope that you never will. You are literally a prisoner in your own body. "Snapping" out of it or just "getting" over it isn't an option. Believe me, I totally wish it was, however, it isn't that simple. How does one get depression? Is it genetic? Does other illness cause depression? There are many complex answers to questions behind depression. With that being said, treatment can be just as complicated.

I refused to take prescription medication for depression at the beginning. I thought I could handle everything naturally. I did everything I could find on the internet that was "suppose" to help holistically, but none of it worked. Each and everyone is different. I knew that if I wanted to escape this feeling, medication was my next viable option. Depression meds take weeks maybe even months to build up into your system. After being on one medication for a few months, I couldn't tell a difference. The doctor did what he knew and that was to switch to another type. That one didn't work either. Finally, Paxil is the only medication out of all the others to work properly for my body. As the saying goes, "if it ain't broke don't fix it," so I am sticking with 40 mg a day.

Medication isn't the only solution to depression. A structured, well-balanced lifestyle is just as important. Unfortunately, it can be hard to stick to such. I know that in my case all I want to do is SLEEP. I can sleep ALL day and ALL night. I am not even joking. That is a big red flag. It must be fixed. As of today. I must go to bed before 11. The doctor informed me of a sleep study that was done in the 1970's. He said it is still very relevant today. If you go to sleep after 11 p.m., your body loses 2 hours of sleep for every hour you stay up. Also, it doesn't matter if you sleep in. Your body never makes up for time loss. Only a 20-30 minute nap is allowed on special occasions.

As of right now, I have to FIGHT to stay awake. That is step 1. Step 2 is to continue my Paxil and step 3 is continue to go to counseling. Step 4 is blood work to see what else is going on with my body. My vitamin d deficiency has a direct correlation with my depression. A study found that depression can either cause a vitamin d deficiency or the lack of vitamin d can cause depression. They haven't found which triggers which. However, it is known that the two are linked.
Vitamin d deficiency can cause other health problems as well, which in return can cause other problems. A chain reaction.

My lower back has been in pain for quite sometime. I have had a MRI, various x-rays, and other chiropractic manipulation practices. Nothing came back on my MRI or x-rays and my chiropractor put me back inline. Nothing has solved any of my back pain what so ever. It is frustrating. I went to a new doctor today. He assured me that my lower back pain can be caused by things besides back problems. For example: my vitamin d deficiency could actually be causing it. If any of my blood work comes back with problems those issues could be the culprit as well.

The consensus? When your entire life is off balance, your health is off balance. Each little part contributes to the big picture. Baby steps=success. So here's to baby steps!

Why am I telling this? It is easier to just write a blog about it than telling 50 people individually. Also, someone who has depression might need advice as well. I am someone who only keeps certain things private. For the most part my life is an open book. I am okay with that. So as the doctor prescribed. It is bedtime :)

The List: Part 3

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a blog titled, The List: Part 1. If you haven't checked it out, it is a few post down. Instead of talking about addiction and recovery, I decided to answer 30 questions that I came across on The Hopes and Dreams blog. It is a little get to know me exercise. I decided to break it up into 3 parts. Part 2 is below and this will be Part 3. I have enjoyed sharing stuff about myself with you guys. Enjoy.

21.) If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?
I think if I had one superpower, it would be to teleport. I would love to be able to just go from place to place and time travel as well. The first thing I would do is teleport to Greece to see my ancestry.

22.) Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?

I use to have an answer to these questions. However, I have learned that life doesn't seem to always go on the path that one desires. Everyone has goals that they would like to achieve, so one of my short-term goals is to be in graduate school within 5 years and on my way to graduate. 10 years I hope to have a career in the recovery/mental health field. 15 years I hope to be continuing a life of success and maybe have settled down with my best friend/love of my life and have a rewarding future.

23.) List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them?

Travel-It is the only thing you can buy that makes you richer.
Dancing-Not only is it a great form of exercise, but it is fun.
Cooking-Who doesn't love cooking up yummy food?
Hanging with friends-I get to vent, bond, and gain knowledge from them.
Writing-It is therapeutic for me and well, I'm good at it. :)

24.) Describe your family dynamic of childhood vs your family dynamic now?

It is about the same. We have always been a close knit family. We celebrate birthdays, holidays, and other special occasions together.  We have lost the matriarch of our family, my grandmother, but we have gained new members as well.

25.) If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
Audrey Hepburn all the way. She is the quintessential female. Not only was she a spectacular actress and fashion icon, but she was a humanitarian. I admire her for her caring personality and hope to change the world attitude. I would eat whatever she was having.

26.) What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
I think the world has the whole mental illness/substance abuse notion wrong. I believe that society needs to be more knowledgeable about what mental illness is and substance abuse. The stigma's need to be slashed. More research and development needs to be achieved as well.

27.) What is your favorite part of your body and why?
This one is tough. In the past I would of said my legs. I use to be a dancer and had stellar legs. However, now days since I am unable to exercise due to lower back pain, I would probably say my hands, because they are able to help others. Anything I can do help others it is important to me.

28.) What is your love language?
I try to be nice to everyone. I want the world to be a loving place. In my personal love life, I think communication is the key. Being their best friend, honesty and bonding together, I believe keeps a relationship strong.

29.) What do people misunderstand most about you?
I don't think people see me as a serious person. In the past with everything I went through with Mike, my dedication to work and achieving my goals were put on hold. I think that people see that and think, oh she isn't responsible or can be misconstrued as "lazy." I am far from lazy. I went through so much during my twenties and up until the age I am now (33) that I can't begin to tell you all the things. I was responsible for helping someone stay alive as long as they did and I think that says a lot about a person.

30.) List 10 things you hope to be remembered for?
My kindness
My ability to be a great listener
My ability to help others
A great friend
A great companion and lover
A fantastic mother, if I ever have kids
How well I took care of Mike
That I didn't judge anybody and freely accepted others
That I changed the outlook on mental illness and substance abuse
That I always laughed and made the most out of life 

Because He Lives

Growing up, my family went to church periodically. We frequented a couple of churches, but it wasn't until I started going to the church my dance teacher attended, that we found our home. I started going to that church in the mid-nineties and my family would follow suit. Throughout college, I was a regular attendant. I went every Sunday morning. However, after college, I was a church dropout. Life got in the way. I had taken on a job that required me to work weekends. After I quit that job to move to a Monday through Friday nine to five job, I would find myself too tired from going out the night before. Before long, years and years would go by without stepping foot inside of a church.

When Michael and I first started dating, he would take his grandmother to church every Sunday. I never went, because he never invited me. I probably would of gone along. They both went to a Methodist church as well. Michael started slacking off and both of us would be Sunday morning sleepers. I could tell that I was lacking in faith and humanity. However, days, months, and years went on without having that spirituality that I once felt inside.

Michael also made me quite confused at times about religion. He was a very technical and scientific person. He claimed that since there wasn't concrete evidence (The Bible wasn't good enough) that God existed and people didn't really know what happened to a person after they die, that Christianity was just a belief and religion was a cult. His philosophies made me start to think. Not only that, but during this time period, life wasn't grand. It was on the downward slope. If God could make things all better, then why wasn't he?

I would often think back during my college years. Probably the best years of my life thus far. Not because of partying, I didn't do such, but the faith I had during those years. The faith, prayers and love of God was shown on both ends. I often dreamed of having that feeling and life again. I could, I know I could. God is always there and just a prayer away.

When Michael's sickness hit, there were lots of prayers. My faith in God starting turning. Michael always told me that he believed that God existed and that one day he would go to Heaven. He said he didn't see why he wouldn't, because he had been a great person. When he was in the hospital, a Chaplain came to pray with him and to reassure his faith in God. Michael said that he was going to Heaven.

I believe Michael did indeed meet our lord and creator. Through Michael's journey, I have reinstated my faith in God. My spirituality has had a resurgence. I've been going to the 6:00 p.m. service at the church I once was a part of. My family never quit. I still remember those same faces and happy times I shared with all. I am going to make new memories with them and a new journey with God. Our new pastor is very inspirational and funny as well.

While watching the Superbowl this evening, this commercial definitely was my by far my favorite. I remember going in the afternoon's to pick up my grandfather from work. My grandmother would have Paul Harvey on the radio. Those moments are everlasting in my mind as I grow older and mean the world to me. Good day!

The List: Part 2

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a blog titled, The List: Part 1. If you haven't checked it out, it is a few post down. Instead of talking about addiction and recovery, I decided to answer 30 questions that I came across on The Hopes and Dreams blog. It is a little get to know me exercise. I decided to break it up into 3 parts. I will now answer the next set of questions. Here we go. Enjoy!

11.) Describe 10 pet peeves you have.

Slurping food, my dad's alarm clock (it is a rooster), slow drivers, when I say no mayo I mean no mayo, the Atlanta airport, people that don't flush the toilet, messing up a nail after getting them done, judgmental people, telemarketers, leaving no hot water when I am going to take a shower....

12.) Describe a typical day in my current life.

This is quite hysterical to me. I am basically a dog sitter all day long. I open and close the door for the dog to go in and out. I am in a transitional period in my life. After Michael had passed away, I moved back home with my parents. I am still unemployed at the moment, but I am going to graduate school in the fall. I have some health aliments that I am in the process of trying to get fixed as well.

13.) Describe 5 weaknesses you have.

Impatient, Out of shape, Indecisive, Not very dependable these days due to health problems, Soft spoken-doesn't speak out when needed.

14.) Describe 5 strengths you have.

Creative writing,  Friendly personality, Optimistic, Nonjudgmental, and Funny.

15.) If you were an animal, what would you be and why?

Definitely a cat. All they do is eat, sleep, and poop. Sounds like a good day to me.

16.) What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?

College graduation, starting Campaign Loud, my writing career, being the best aunt to my niece and nephew, and taking care of Michael like I did.

17.) What is the thing you most wish you were great at?

No doubt, singing!!!! I have ALWAYS wanted to be able to sing. I can't carry a tune! Every time I go to karaoke with friends, I wish I could get up and sing, but they would laugh me off the stage.

18.) What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?

This is a tough question, because I really haven't had to forgive much. When Michael was sick he told me he never meant to hurt me and wanted me to forgive him for everything he put me through. I told him he never did hurt me and I know he never meant to do everything he did. I guess that would be it.

19.) If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?

Malibu, CA. I LOVE the ocean and I love CA. Malibu to me is just refreshing and relaxing. I hope to someday work at a rehab facility in Malibu after graduate schoool.

20.)  Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.

My grandmother and I use to play cards on a Sat. night while watching The Golden Girls and Empty Nest. Those were the best times.
Dancing. I took dance and was on a competition team. Every memory I have from dance is a pleasant one.
My love for Kenny Rogers. I was just a little thing when I fell in love with his music. My grandmother would put his record on and we would sing and dance. I went to his concert when I was 4 or 5 and later on in life I went again.

The List: Part 3 will come soon. Until then, have a great week. 

Your Kiss is On My List

I have a group of friends I hang out with. They vary in age and some of the older ones like to give a peck on the lips as a goodbye sendoff. However, I turn and let them kiss my cheek, because number 1 I really don't like that. Number 2, my late boyfriend was the last person to kiss me on my lips and somehow in my mind I feel that I want to hang onto that kiss forever. I know that sounds crazy to some, but I feel that the next person to kiss me has to be one outstanding individual to let me go of Michael's last kiss. Am I being crazy?

Works Hard for the Money

I hope you enjoyed reading my last blog, The List: Part 1. I have decided to split that blog up into 3 sections. The List: Part 2 will come out soon. However, I feel the need to blog about another topic that has been plaguing me. 

Facebook status' are a dime a dozen. We all post about our lives, opinions, or about what is happening in the world. The one status that always gets my bones shaking is...."is headed to work...thousands of do-nothing, unemployed, drug addicted, unmarried, multi-children welfare recipients are counting on me to pay their way!!"

Now this status has many different levels to it. First off, not everyone who is unemployed is on welfare. Second, not everyone who is unemployed is a drug addict. Not all drug addicts are on welfare. The majority of them are functioning, working, people. This status is the stereotype of what we think welfare recipients are. We have a preconceived notion that welfare recipients are no good, they don't want to work, they want to milk the government, etc... Don't get me wrong. There are some people out there that intend to make welfare a career, but then there are some that want to rise above the poverty level.

This day and age, the majority of people are one paycheck away from the welfare line. Most companies aren't giving raises due to the economic status of our country. Insurance rates keep rising, food cost, taxes, etc... I know people who said they make less money now even though they received a raise than 5-10 years ago.  It is hard to save money as well. With all the expenses one has, especially a family of four, putting back money is almost impossible. Most of us are living paycheck to paycheck. 

When I was working that was the case. I got laid off from work in 2011. I am surprised I didn't get cut before then. I had a lot of health problems that kept me from going into work regularly. In high school I always got the perfect attendance awards. College, I even received special recognition for my ability to always show up to class. I am a stickler for being on time. Due to my personal situation with Michael and my declining health, my job suffered tremendously. When I did go to work, I kept a heating pad at my desk for a couple of my health issues and made sure I did breathing exercises as well. I would constantly have panic attacks at my desk that would make me freak out. There were a few times I almost went into a co-workers office and said take me to the mental hospital right now. Between everything I was going through, I was definitely having a nervous breakdown. So when I got laid off with 50+ other employees, I was actually relieved. 

I needed a break like no other. I did nothing, but sleep my life away. I was so drained that I just couldn't get out of bed. My body took on stress after stress that it literally said you gotta stop!!!!! Unfortunately, the only stress I left behind was work, which the work itself was not stressful. My home life was 10x more stressful than anything. I continued to take on that for many different reasons. It's hard to leave someone when they constantly tell you don't leave me or I will die. Please don't go, because you are the only thing that brightens my day. Your emotions and your mind are all scattered and you don't really know what to do. What if that person dies? Would you feel guilty for not staying? A million questions go through your mind. You think you know the answer to them, but until you are in that situation, you don't.

God knew exactly what he was doing for me. He knew I needed that extra time free from work to solely put my time and effort into Michael. I did exactly that. Michael finally passed and God knew that it was time to open new chapters of my life, which I am working on at the moment. I needed the time after Michael passed to grieve and continue to heal. Not only heal from Michael's passing, but my surgery that I had in October. 

Now that I am on a path to recovery, I am ready to set sail to a new journey. However, that journey isn't looking so good at the moment. I didn't realize I would be 33 years old, unemployed, living at home with my parents, and a widow (as I call myself). Not the picture I had in my mind, but if it wasn't for my parents, I would be HOMELESS at the moment and STARVING!!!!

I can't work a job that requires any kind of physical activity or standing due to back problems. I have to have a sit down job. I've applied for hundreds at this point, since Michael's death in June. I've only been lucky to have a few interviews, but out of those I didn't get the position. I'm not picky on the job either. I am a college educated woman, but a college degree these days, excuse my language, doesn't mean shit. 

Everyone is getting one. Not only that, but in times of struggle, people return to school hoping to better their lives, which is fantastic, but the jobs still aren't there when they graduate. The only thing left is a new pile of bills-student loans!!!!! I was receiving unemployment for sometime, but that has since deceased. My parents are stuck paying my bills. I have to have insurance due to my medical problems and doctors visits. That is the number one priority and next is car insurance of course. Medical bills from surgery are piling up. I am VERY thankful to them for helping me out. If it wasn't for them, I would literally be couch surfing at friend's or family member's houses.

Since I am not on unemployment anymore, I am not counted in the unemployment "rate." When they say unemployed is 7.9%, well, technically it is higher. Folks like me that don't have a job and aren't receiving unemployment benefits are lost out in space. I'm sure there are quite a few people in this world just like me. 

What do we do? I'm going back to school in the fall like everyone else does in a time like this as I explained above. However, it is in a field that has lots of potential and working environments. The opportunities maybe or may not be in my hometown, but I am willing to move. Not everyone can just pick their family up and move. I am in a position where I am able to do so. 

So, when you or someone else writes a status bashing people for being on welfare, just remember it could be you soon. I didn't ever think I would have to receive food stamps as an adult, but I did and I might have to again someday. Even though my parents are helping me out, they too have bills and obligations they must uphold. I can't count on them for everything.

I'm not expecting a free ride throughout life. I have goals and aspirations that I want to complete and making my own money is one of them.

 

The List: Part 1

Today's blog is a little bit different than the norm. Instead of talking about Michael and addiction, you will be able to get to know more about me. Browsing around on Pinterest, I came across a Pin connected to this blog, Hopes and Dreams. The blog outlines a series of 30 questions everyone should ask themselves. I decided that I would take the so called challenge. If you would like to answer the questions as well feel free and send us a link, so we can read them. We would love to get to know you as much as you are getting to know us. This will be a 3 part blog. Today we will answer the first 10.

The List: Part 1

1.) List 20 Random Facts about Yourself.
Left-handed, heritage is Greek, cheese is an entree on my plate, music soothes me, deficient in vitamin D, nickname SpiffyTiffy, been in 2 local television commercials, take baths instead of showers, swam with dolphins, Methodist, clogged at Dollywood, reality tv junkie, met Adam Sandler and David Spade, made straight A's one semester in college, named my grandmother geg-geg, HUGE Kenny Rogers fan, Audrey Hepburn is my idol, legally blind, lives at home with my parents, and loves to laugh.

2.) Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.

Frogs-I absolutely cannot stand them! I use to work at an aquarium as well. Ever since high school biology class and dissecting them, I don't do frogs.

Someone breaking in my home-Growing up, we thought someone was breaking in our house in the middle of the night, but it was the house settling and it cracked the glass on the door. Been scared of that since.

The dark-I think this is a fear for most people. I like to be able to see if anything is going to get me. LOL

3.) Describe your relationship with your parents.

My parents are THE BEST! I couldn't ask for better ones. They have taken care of me from birth and even at the age of 33, still continue to help and support me. I love them. I don't know what I would do without them.

4.) List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
Don't grow up so fast, Save money, Go off to college instead of staying home, travel, travel, travel, keep exercising in your twenties, don't worry about what others think, live at home as long as you can, volunteer more, be more outgoing, and use sunscreen (you are a child of the 90's if you get this reference.)

5.) What are the 5 things that make you the most happy right now.

My niece and nephew. They are 3.5 years old. They are a blast to hang out and play with. They make me feel like a kid again.

Friends. My friends are awesome! We always have a great time laughing and making memories.

Family. Without the love and support of my family, I don't know where I would be. We maybe a crazy bunch, but we all have a fabulous time.

Travel. I love to explore other cities and cultures. It makes me happy to go somewhere for awhile and just forget the day to day and take in the new ambiance.

The future. The thought of the future I have for myself makes me happy. It excites me to know that I can achieve all my goals and dreams.

6.) What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced. 
This one is easy. Michael's death. When you lose the one you love your life really does change upside down. The constant support isn't there anymore, the day to day interaction and bonding, the making memories, and most of all the love is gone. Definitely hard.

7.) What is your dream job and why?
Over the years I have had a couple of dream jobs. I use to want to be a news anchor for CNN. Didn't happen. Could possibly still, but I'm not holding my breath. I, then, wanted to be an author, which is still one of my dream jobs. I love writing and want to publish a book someday. Currently, my dream job is to become a licensed professional counselor and work in a rehab facility helping others with addiction.

8.) What are 5 passions you have?
Writing, traveling, cooking, dancing, and inspiring.

9.) List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how? 

My parents-They have supported me and have gave me such advice throughout my life to be who I am today.

Michael, my late boyfriend-His addiction influenced me on how I view others with addiction. He taught me patience along with a plethora of other life skills, and his constant support and love was amazing.

Grandparents-My grandparents were like my parents. They took care of me throughout my life and my grandfather, who is still living keeps his word to my grandmother to look after me. Without them, I wouldn't have learned great lessons of life.

Dance-All my friends that I took dance with along with my dance teacher. We were like a close tight knit family. We still keep in contact with each other. They all taught me how to be a part of a team and that we all work together for the common good.

Family-I have LOTS of family members. Each and everyone of them have shaped me in some way. I continue to look to them for guidance and  support.

8th grade English Teacher-I had an 8th grade English teacher that I later had in 10th grade as well. She not only cared about her students, but she went above and beyond. Her kind words and gentle soul really taught me that life is precious and to enjoy every minute.

Audrey Hepburn-A stunning classic. Her personality could charm anyone. Not only was she beautiful and a great actress, but her role as a humanitarian definitely puts her on my list. I hope one day I can be as successful as she was and a leave a long lasting mark on the world.

Friends-Each and everyone of them not only supports me, but gives me a reason to love life. Making memories with them is what life is all about.

My niece and nephew-They are 3.5 year old twins. They teach me to not be so serious. To have fun and just enjoy life. If you look at life from a toddlers point of view, life is grand. I want to have that feeling again like I did growing up. Not a care in the world.

God-Having faith and trusting in God is a wonderful feeling. My life might not all be roses, but God has a magnificent plan for my life and for that I thank him.

10.) Describe your most embarrassing moment.
In high school, it was pouring down rain. My friends and I had to walk from the gym outside to our next class. The rain was so bad that my umbrella flipped upside down and we got soaked. When we made it to our class, I looked at my teacher, but was talking to my friend and said, "Feel my pantyhose, they are soaking wet!" The teacher's facial expression was priceless. He said that was the best offer he would have all day, but he had to turn it down. I told him I wasn't talking to him, but he said you were looking at me. Pretty funny and embarrassing at the same time.

Pain, Can't Get Enough

 While doing my daily review of addiction news, I came across this article "Jenelle Evans and Courtland Rogers."Say what you will about the Teen Mom and her new husband, but this article struck a cord with me. Courtland Rogers was on the right path to baseball stardom and had a scholarship to play. One car wreck landed him in critical condition for 32 days along with his scholarship and basically his life taken away.

The pain medication the doctor's prescribed him for his injuries became more of a problem than he bargained for. He ultimate found himself addicted and is trying his best to stay sober. We wish him success. I never understood the prescription pain killer addiction until recently.

I had surgery in October for cyst and endometriosis. All my previous surgeries had been, I wouldn't call a piece of cake, but much more tolerable than this particular one. I was in excruciating pain. Of course I was prescribed an opiate drug for any aches that I had. I took them just like the prescription read. 1-2 pills every 4-6 hours as needed for pain.

I started out by taking one. One didn't quite enough cut the pain, so I stepped it up to two. Two seemed to work out perfectly. My mother didn't like the fact that I was taking these meds despite my pain, because she was afraid that I would get hooked on them. I assured her that I was taking them just like the doctor ordered and if I didn't have pain I wouldn't take them.

However, I started researching painkiller addiction and reading about how individuals become addicted. I now can obviously see how people get addicted to them. About two weeks ago I had complications from my surgery. I was in the most horrible pain of my life. My first go to was some Advil thinking it would manage my symptoms. Unfortunately, that didn't trigger any relief what so ever. I then went to my trusty pill bottle of Oxycodone. I took one pill. Hours later, I was still in massive pain. It had worsen and the next go around I took two.

By the end of the weekend, I had noticed that I had finished the bottle and my body was getting use to the two pills. It just wasn't doing the trick anymore. Since I was in agonizing pain, I didn't even think twice of popping the pills. I wanted the pain to go away ASAP. Luckily, my pain subsided and I was able to go on my normal days.

However, some people's pain continues and more pills need to be taken or higher dosages to keep the pain at bay. That turns one into what people call a "pill popper." I don't want to become a "pill popper," but what does one do when they are literally suffering? I have been checking into holistic and non-prescription treatments. The feedback I keep getting is that non-prescription treatment doesn't work as well as prescription treatment. It is worth a shot!

I hate taking medication, but sometimes it is unavoidable. Withdraw from the drug can be a bitch as well. If you think you are becoming addicted to pain killers, open up and talk to someone about it. Talk with your doctor about other avenues to manage pain without prescription drugs. People who already have an addictive mind can be easily addicted to prescription meds when prescribed for pain after an illness or surgery. Doctors don't always look out for that thing. Look out for number 1, which is yourself!

3:00 a.m. Eternal

It is almost 9 a.m. and I sit here without any sleep. I decided to Google, young widows, early this morning. I came across a forum for those who have lost their significant other at a young age. I started reading the post and got caught up in everyone's responses. I quickly made myself a profile and started chatting away. I replied on 8 post so far. I am sure once I get some sleep, I will be back to the board.

Who would of thought at age 33, I would be searching for a widow site? It became very surreal to me. However, I am lucky to have such support. There are quite a few widows/widowers out there that are young and looking for others to discuss their feelings with. I look forward to learning their story and whatever feedback they may have on certain situations or feelings that arrive during the aftermath of death of a significant other. 

It is hard to talk about my feelings with friends and family. Besides my grandfather, the others do not understand how it truly feels to lose the love of your life. It is very different than a break-up, which most people compare it to. Well, it is time to go to sleepyland. My eyes can't focus on the screen. Just wanted to jot down my thoughts real quick!

Letter for the Future

Growing up, my mother experienced depression and anxiety and my father found himself indulging a little too much in alcohol. Both situations shaped my life, but it wasn’t until I met my boyfriend in 2002 that I would spark an interest in the mental health field, especially substance abuse.

In high school, a class in television broadcasting led me to discover a career path that I thought I would flourish in. After graduation, I enrolled in college to purse my dreams of being a news anchor. Communications would become my Bachelor of Arts degree and sociology my minor. I would go on to work in the field as a copywriter for five and a half years. 

Writing has always been a passion of mine. It helps me channel my feelings in a positive way. However, in 2011 I lost my writing job due to the economic meltdown.  It was actually the best thing to have happened. While working full-time, I had the added stress of a 33-year-old alcoholic on my plate. I always told myself I was never going to follow in my mother’s footsteps and get involved in a relationship with an alcoholic, but I learned to “never say never.”

My boyfriend, Michael, was a bright young individual with lots of potential; A graduate with dual degrees with a B.S. in Computer Science and a M.S. in Criminal Justice. Interviews with job opportunities with the FBI and U.S. Marshalls, unfortunately, the bottle took everything away. While fighting his disease, I looked at addiction in a whole new light. Not only did I see it differently, but it physical changed me as well.

I started experiencing anxiety that forced me to take medication. It was the only way I could function without having panic attacks. I knew the situation I was in caused all the chaos internally. The anxiety eased, but Michael’s situation escalated. His drinking was way out of control and an intervention would take place. 

His father and I sat him down and discussed his problem and how rehab was the solution. He agreed to go, but after 14 days he left. Of course a 14 day stent is nothing. He was barely detoxed at that point. He proceeded to drink until it left him in the hospital with pancreatitis for a month. The sight of a grown man in a hospital bed with 2 main lines, a breathing tube, and 14 i.v. bags wasn’t something I expected to see at my age, especially due to alcohol.

I couldn’t understand why someone would drink themselves to that point. It wasn’t until his second attempt at rehab did I learn. After the hospital stay, he was enrolled at an inpatient rehab facility for 28 days. It would be at this rehab that I experienced my first family weekend. That weekend changed my view on addiction, alcoholism and my life. I was taught the tools and basics of the disease and how to help an individual cope. 

After he was released, he started his journey of sobriety and recovery. That journey didn’t last long. He never complied with the aftercare plan that his counselor put in place. The doctors warned him that if he didn’t stop drinking he would be dead within a year. The doctors were correct. Michael passed away June 15, 2012 of alcoholism. His kidneys and liver gave out. I did everything I could within my power to help him through his addiction. 

Being with him for 10 years was an adventure in itself. His addiction opened my eyes up to a new world that I never knew existed.  I would learn that my dad just liked to go out for a few beers with his friends after work a couple of nights a week and that my mom just didn’t like the fact he wasn’t at home with us. His drinking situation was much, much different than Michael's.

I’ve become engrossed in learning as much as I can about mental health and addiction. From my personal situation, I’ve learned that I want to make a career out of it. I want to help others and aid them in any capacity that I can. My ultimate goal is to work in the addiction field as a counselor.

I already started a non-profit organization called Campaign Loud (campaignloud.com). It is an organization spreading awareness about addiction and trying to change people’s minds that addiction is not moral as it is a brain disease. I am in the process of making it an official 501 (c) 3 charity. Once I get it official, the fundraising begins to help others with addiction and their families. I would even like to do speaking engagements. 

I am looking forward to studying again. After my boyfriend’s death, I moved back home with my parents and starting a new life. I have attended some bereavement counseling sessions and they have helped.

I realized that sitting behind a desk writing copy for products that people don’t really need isn’t what I want to do with my life. I want to make an impact. I want to actually help change someone’s life. I feel that is more valuable to me and my future goals. Michael would want me to do the same. He told me that he would have already succumbed to his disease earlier if it weren’t for me.  I agree and I want others to be able to say that I have had a positive impact on their life as well.