The Old Cat Lady

This is my 10th attempt at starting out this blog. I wasn't quite sure what I wanted to write about exactly. I had a few ideas like sober companions, but I'm not feeling it. This has definitely been an off day for me. Being the first Valentine's Day without Michael has been kind of a downer, but not as much as not getting a job that I so hoped I'd get.

I've been out of work since August of 2011. For some time, I needed the break. Everything that went on with Michael was definitely stressful. I knew that it was my opportunity to return to school as well. I started school the spring semester of 2012 and was also scouting for a part-time position. I mainly went back to school to gain more knowledge and skills in the web design area. I noticed that a lot of copywriter jobs wanted someone with web design experience. I figured if I took a few classes that would boost my skill set and I would be more marketable for jobs.

I never received a part-time job during school. After school, I realized that web design was not for me. I did not like coding. I started to look for a full-time job in the communications field. I scored an interview for a position that would definitely enhance my career path. However, I didn't get the job. Michael became really sick right after and my time was focused on him. After his death, I needed a break. I was having a mental breakdown. I couldn't cope with a job at the moment.

A few months after, I started looking for jobs again and again. I would apply daily. I would apply ALL over the world. It just wasn't in my hometown. My friend, Sarah, moved to Atlanta and I used her address to try and score a job down in the Big A. I had phone interviews, but that is as far as it went. Of course, I was getting FRUSTRATED.

Month after month of job hunting, I decided that I didn't want to be in the communications field anymore. I decided that I wanted to do something within the substance abuse and recovery field. I saw that the local university had a program and I applied for it. All the while, I looked into getting a part-time job. With my back the way it is, I cannot stand. I have to have a sit down job. If I could stand, I would go get a job at the grocery store or at the mall.

The program at the local university required that I take the MAT test. I was in the middle of studying for it when I found out from my bereavement counselor that the program will only allow me to get a certain licenses and I really need another type of licenses to really get deep into that career field. So I put the MAT on halt and looked into some other college programs that my counselor and another counselor told me about.  I found a couple that I am definitely interested in. However, they are in other states. That would require money that I do not have.

My goal now is to get a full-time job that will allow me to save up money to make the transition into one of those college programs. Unfortunately, I am having a hard time finding a job. I'm looking for ANYTHING that will allow me to sit down. I don't care what it is. I really don't. I am not picky at this point. I have goals and I am going to achieve them. I will go back to get my Masters. It may not be this year or next, but you can guarantee that I will at some point and I will work in the human service/rehab field.

I am determined to get to where I want to be. Something ALWAYS gets in my way. During my twenties it was my situation with Michael. My therapist said that when he stopped growing because of his alcoholism, I stopped growing as well since I was his caretaker. I can fully start to grow again.

I need to stop comparing myself to others. Most of everyone I know has jobs, married, have a house, some have kids, etc... I have none of that. Is it on my list? It has always been on my list. However, I keep getting older and think to myself that none of that is going to happen and I am going to be the old cat lady.  I don't want to be the old cat lady. I'm trying everything within my power to not become that.

Just feels like I can't catch a break and it is hard watching others get the breaks they want. It is even worse when you live with depression as well. It takes you deeper down into a darker place. Writing is something that allows me to get all my feelings out in a positive manner. My therapist said it was a good way to channel my feelings.

Sorry if I vent a lot and complain. It is hard to be positive all the time when everything negative is coming your way.