5, 4, 3, 2, 1...Silence

It has been a few since I have done a new blog post. The holiday's are always hectic and this being the first year without Michael, it was definitely a somber one. I thought Christmas would be easier than it actually was. It wasn't terrible, but I definitely felt like a part of me was missing. I missed buying him presents and seeing him happy. He was a depressed individual and anytime I could see him smile, I lit up myself.

I did get to spend time with his grandmother. My mom and I went out to her place for dinner. She thoroughly enjoyed the Christmas present. It was a locket. Inside the locket had a picture of Michael. On the outside, the locket read, "Merry Christmas From Heaven." It was a tearjerker for sure. I heard through the grapevine that she thought the world of that locket. I knew she would. I am so glad that I got to make her Christmas extra special this year under the circumstances.

Christmas Eve, I had somewhat of a melt down. I laid in bed crying while listening to my favorite tunes. Music has really helped me channel my emotions. After the cryfest, I felt very relieved and able to breathe a little bit easier. Since then, I haven't cried, but I almost did tonight.

Being New Years Eve, I am always up for a good party. However, I wasn't feeling it. This past weekend, I was sick and bedridden. Once I got to feeling better, I still wasn't up for people or a party. My niece and nephew came over while my brother and his wife went and hung out at our cousin's house. My niece and nephew are 3-1/2 year old twins and they make me happy. I knew by being around them, I wouldn't be so sad.

Unfortunately, even the twins couldn't fill the void of Michael not being here to ring in a new year. We all sat around the tv and watched the ball drop. When it struck midnight, I had a mixture of emotions. On one hand, I felt new and fresh. On the other, I felt a sense of sadness that Michael wasn't able to be here to see 2013. It is always sad to think about the ones you love not being here another year.

Earlier in the evening, I told myself since it was going to be a new year, I was going to delete his number from my phone and change my relationship status on Facebook. I was pretty sure and confident that I could do it. There isn't a rush, but I felt like it would give me a sense of a new beginning without him. Now that it is actually 2013, I am unable to do it. I know it will come with time.

It has only been six months that he has left this Earth. I talk about him daily and probably will continue to talk about him for quite sometime. He was a part of my life for 10 years and you just don't forget about someone you loved that long over night. Here is to a healthy, happy and fun year! May 2013 bring the best for everyone.

Damage

Rummaging through folders on my computer, I came across this story that Michael wrote. He was always talking about how he thought scars were cool. I have a few of them from surgery that I will occasionally tell people I got them a different way. Usually a cool story about a bar fight or what not. Of course, I always end up telling them the lame truth; gallbladder surgery, birthmark removal. Michael's scars were from actually incidents and not medical. I give you Damage...

Damage

“I don’t want to die without any scars.” – Jack, Fight Club

I love my scars. They are personal, and differentiate me from anyone else far more than any tattoo or piercing ever could. Those marks of incorrect skin tell the story of someone that was damaged and repaired. Each one speaks of a time of pain and recovery.  Of an injury that was survived and which an individual lived to tell about. The gnarled and imperfect flesh speak volumes about someone who wasn’t willing to live the sheltered life…of someone willing to take the risks inherent in a life worth living. Sure, it does say you risked something and failed, but either way you took that chance.

Both of my knees had the skin ground off from a motorcycle wreck where I slid down the shoulder at 70 miles per hour. The same goes for my left forearm. I was fairly amazed at just how much skin was actually gone.  It’s mostly road rash, but after it heals, it has a strong tendency to look like a fine grade of chicken skin.  After sliding for a bit, I seem to remember thinking, “Ooh, this is getting kinda hot” and rolling over. The calculus book in my backpack did an excellent job of quite literally saving my ass by keeping it off the ground while I slid.  It still took out most of my elbows and ground up a lot of my upper back. Oh well, I guess this is the sort of thing you have to expect if you are going to ride a motorcycle for any length of time.  That said, it’s surreal like you can’t imagine, having a doctor set a piece of paper on your stomach to put bits of your skin on as he cuts them off. Follow that up with inflating your knee to the size of a grapefruit to ensure the joint hasn’t been penetrated. Healing up from that one was a bitch, and since it was my mother’s birthday, I felt really bad that she was scared I was dead.

The nail on the big toe of my left foot doesn’t quite grow right. This is because the bed underneath the nail, which it’s supposed to be anchored to, is seriously scarred.  I had bought an 87 Mazda RX7 and had it parked at the top of a friend’s driveway. I’d just bought the car that week, and was driving a friend to pick up parts for his car. The RX7 was idling at the top of the driveway while I had my foot on a boat trailer waiting for him to finish when I suddenly felt the boat trailer slam out from underneath me. My car’s emergency brake had failed, it rolled down the hill, and promptly crushed my foot between its bumper and the hitch on the trailer. I was probably lucky to have been wearing some kind of combat boots that probably saved my toe. In the end it sliced my toenail in half and took a pretty good chunk out of the skin underneath. You can’t quite imagine how amazingly sensitive that skin is. No amount of anesthetic seemed to do any good at blotting out having that skin stitched up. It was a while before I had any semblance of a toenail again. A couple years later and I found myself having a wisdom tooth removed. Afterwards at my mothers’ house, still doped up, a UPS guy came to drop off a computer. He slid it across the floor over my foot. Looking down, I noticed it was now sticking directly up from my toe at a ninety-degree angle. I couldn’t feel it anyways and was more amused than anything. The look on Mr. UPS’s face was pretty awesome though. With a lack of any idea of what else to do about the situation, I just got a pair of pliers and tore it off. I heart anesthetic and painkillers.

My right hand is missing a good chunk from the knuckle of my ring finger down to my palm, and up onto my little finger from a bicycle accident when I was little. One big jump off a curb, after which the wheel decided to go a different direction than the handlebars, left me sliding down the concrete driveway on my hand. Stitches might have been the correct move, but we decided on gauze and tape instead. It’s good now.

Right forearm – Roughly circular burn mark from allowing someone to hold a lighter up to it for around 10 seconds. This was a bar bet you can make with people that they will pull away before the flame can burn through a $20 bill. Money’s mostly cotton, so you’ll definitely burn a lot faster. I knew this, but was just curious how quickly it all would happen and what I could take. Not much apparently. It was only slightly red when I pulled away, so I didn’t think it was a big deal. Burns  don’t really work that way though. They look so innocent at first, and you think you’re fine, but then they bite you. The next day I had a hole in my arm roughly an inch in circumference.

I’m sure I have more that I can’t think of at the moment, but these are the ones that matter. They remind me of the risks I took, the mistakes I made, and many of my decisions whose results I would ignore.  For many people a scar is probably just a reminder of a time when they got hurt, with no meaning, but to me they show that I didn’t take the safe road all the time. Every once in a while I gave in to that urge of irresponsibility. Yeah, I’ve failed, or done stupid things, but every last bit of it was worth it.

867-5309 Tiffany

Tiffany, Tiffany, who can I turn to?

Ah, the iconic song 867-5309 Jenny by Tommy Tutone. After Michael passed away, a few guys thought they would take the opportunity to "console" my emotions in very sly ways I may add. Of course, I thought their behavior was rude and not gentleman like. After their remarks, these specific guys definitely didn't have a chance, even if I was in the mood to date someone.

I haven't been on a date in 10 years. I forgot what it is even like trying to find dates. Michael and I had been together for so long and had every intention of being together for years to come that I didn't even think about stuff like that. Now that he is gone, in the future I am sure I will. However, until then I am content with being myself unless you are one of my celebrity crushes (just kidding, okay maybe/maybe not).

It has been 6 months since he passed away. Most of the time I don't even think he is gone. I feel like he is still with me. I'm sure in spirit he is and I hope he is my guardian angel. I haven't deleted his number from my phone, our status on FB still has us in a relationship together and I have pictures of us adorning my room. I am in no rush. I'm not trying to be testy with males and I don't want them to think I am stuck up. I'm just grieving still and will be for quite sometime. I couldn't imagine myself "dating" anyone other than Michael.

I'm sure that feeling will change one day. Right now, it hasn't and pushing me isn't going to get anyone anywhere. As my quote goes, "I'm not single. I'm in a long standing relationships with freedom, fun, and self love."

Has anyone else out there that is a widow experienced this situation? I would like to hear your stories and thoughts.

Music is my boyfriend

I often cheated on Michael. Well, not technically, but music was my 2nd boyfriend. When I wasn't around Michael, I always had my ear plugs in listening to tunes that helped me cope with his addiction and that helped my inner spirit. The music would console me and comfort me during bad times. At night we would often listen to music on Youtube together while laying in the bed. It was one of the best memories I have of us together. Music is power.



If I was in a bad mood, Carole King always uplifted me. Even if the songs were sad and depressing, her voice and music would spark my emotions into a joyful place. Tapestry is my favorite album by Carole King.

 It's Too Late, Carole King

This next song, Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol, really speaks to me, because Michael would just love to lay down beside me and forget the world. That was his favorite thing to do. This makes me think of those relaxing times.

Chasing Cars, Snow Patrol 

Pink has ALWAYS been one of my favorite artist. Her songs are real and speak volumes. The song Who Knew is a reminder that I will cherish Michael until we meet again and we will meet again. 

Who Knew, Pink 

Scars by Papa Roach is the ultimate addiction song. The lyrics trickle what I was feeling inside especially, "I can't help you fix yourself, but at least I can say I tried, but sorry I gotta move on with my own life." 

Scars, Papa Roach 

Sarah McLachlan's voice is smooth and elegant. Her song I Will Remember You is always a tearjerker. However, it allows me to release a health flow of emotions. "Weep not for the memories."

I Will Remember You, Sarah McLachlan

Last, but not least, Christian Artist Michael W. Smith. Friends is a classic. The song will have streams of tears flowing down your face, but encouragement knowing that "Friends are friends forever." 

Friends, Michael W. Smith

I wanted to add something to the list. My friend just wrote a status on Facebook about the Juggernaut. If you don't know what that is, it is a character from X-Men. Some individuals put together a video of the Juggernaut and did a voice over. It is comical. So comical, the movie used their line, "I'm the Juggernaut Bitch." When Michael was on his deathbed, he acquired what his obit would look like. My friend Kendra suggested it should say, "I'm the Juggernaut Bitch!" He loved the video so much. He got a laugh out of it and so did I. In times like that a little laughter is appreciated.

The Juggernaut

What Songs inspire you during hard times? What songs about addiction touch your heart? 

Oh and Music is my Boyfriend... 

Music is my Boyfriend, CSS

I Do

Yesterday was 12/12/12. The last time we will see a chain of numbers like that for awhile. Of course dates like that bring out the weddings. My cousin and his now wife decided to celebrate their ceremony on that particular day. It was a beautiful service with holiday decor and a church full of friends and family. The reception was filled with yummy treats and a DJ spinning tunes. I enjoyed myself. However, today I have been somewhat down.

It was the first wedding I attended since Michael passed away. In our 10 years together, we never made it official by the courts, but we had plans too. Michael talked about how he wanted to marry me all the time. I, on the other hand, told him I couldn't marry him unless he got sober. Last summer after his stint in ICU and then alcohol rehab, he swore that he was going to stay clean and we would build a new life together.

During that period we realized that our 10 year anniversary was the next year and he wanted to do something grand for it. We talked about a cruise or exotic vacation. We also talked about having a small intimate wedding and a huge blow out reception. We even bought things here and there for it, but as life goes on none of that happened. He couldn't live up to his end of the deal. He couldn't even live up to the aftercare plan that his physiologist had put in place for him when he was released from rehab.

Addiction as I keep stressing to people is a very complicated brain disease. Being in a relationship with someone who is an addict is even more complicated. Luckily, Michael was a very loving alcoholic. People often ask me why I didn't leave? I didn't leave, because I LOVED him number 1 and he loved me more than he loved himself. Number 2, I thought if I left that he would die, which he ultimately did in the end. He begged me not to go and said that the only good in his days were that I was in them. How can you leave someone who says that? It's hard.

I stood by his side through the end and wouldn't have it any other way. I think if I would have left, I would have felt guilty for leaving. I don't have any guilt upon myself. I did everything within my power that I could to help him. It is hard to help your significant other. He or she is the person you lean on in times like these and I didn't have anyone else to lean on that understood my situation.

While watching my cousin's fiance walk down the isle, I got teary eyed. It brought back all those emotions that I had felt for Michael and the love that we shared with each other. I don't think I will ever get over him. I'll move on, but I'll still have a special place in my heart for him. It wasn't like a bad break-up it was death that separated us. A very different situation that most 33 year old's don't understand.

I am content with being single. I can't imagine getting in a relationship with someone else that isn't Michael. I know overtime my feelings will change, but for the time being, I am focused on Campaign Loud and going to grad school. A nice hug every now and then would be appreciated though. Congrats to my cousin and his new wife. I hope their marriage last a lifetime!

You Can Handle The Truth

Scrolling through the feed as I do everyday on Facebook, I came across a post that caught my eye. A friend of mine posted a link to a website that featured meth addicts. The website showed pictures of the meth addict prior to addiction and how they have progressed throughout their addiction. We have all seen these pictures in some form; a billboard, television commercial, print ad. What really triggered my thought process was the caption above the link..."This is just crazy. Why would people do this to themselves?" I am sure the majority of people are thinking the same thing. However, it isn't that simple.

Addiction is a complex sometimes impossible disease. It is a BRAIN disease. It is NOT a disease based on willpower. If it was, then Nancy Regan's" Just Say No" Campaign in the 80's would have eradicated drugs and drug addiction.  According to the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA), "addiction is a chronic, often relapsing brain disease that causes compulsive drug seeking and use despite harmful consequences to the individual who is addicted and to those around them." 

Addicts may voluntarily take the drug to begin with, but over time the chemicals in the brain start to change and rewire the brain so to speak. Leaving addicts with a full-blown drug addiction. According to NIDA "No single factor can predict whether or not a person will become addicted to drugs. Risk for addiction is influenced by a person's biology, social environment, and age or stage of development." 

I remember going to Family Weekend at Rehab with Michael. I learned all about how an addicts brain is different than a non-addicts and those who aren't an addict would NEVER understand those who were. I understand that statement 100 percent. If someone told me that I was going to die if I took another swig of alcohol, I would not touch another drop. Easy for a non-addict to say and do, but not so quite simple for those who are addicts. 

That is why society needs to take a different look at drug addiction and use. We need to view the TRUTH about it and stop believing that a drug addict is morally weak and can just stop if they had enough willpower. You wouldn't tell someone with cancer just to get over it, so why tell an addict that. Through science, addiction has been proved to be a brain disease. It can be preventable with the proper treatment and help. 

My view has totally changed throughout this whole journey with Michael. I too, thought it was a disease that you could quit at the drop of a hat, but I learned that it is NOT true. I vowed to Michael that I was going to educate the world on this topic.  He was embarrassed by his actions. He thought of himself as a failure. He desperately wanted to be free of his addiction. However, he finally succumbed to the disease. He went to treatment. His addiction was bigger and more powerful than he was.

Knowing the TRUTH about addiction and being MORE educated on the topic can help a person who is addicted. Addiction doesn't just effect "bad" people. It effects all "kinds" of people. Mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, friends, etc... I'm sure everyone at some point in their lifetime will come across someone who is an addict. When that time comes make sure that you don't treat them as a failure. They already have that guilt inside them. Try to be supportive anyway you can and be a positive force in their recovery. They are never "cured." Recover is a lifetime. 

I will do another blog post in the upcoming week about why individuals start doing drugs. Until then stay positive.