The List: Part 2

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a blog titled, The List: Part 1. If you haven't checked it out, it is a few post down. Instead of talking about addiction and recovery, I decided to answer 30 questions that I came across on The Hopes and Dreams blog. It is a little get to know me exercise. I decided to break it up into 3 parts. I will now answer the next set of questions. Here we go. Enjoy!

11.) Describe 10 pet peeves you have.

Slurping food, my dad's alarm clock (it is a rooster), slow drivers, when I say no mayo I mean no mayo, the Atlanta airport, people that don't flush the toilet, messing up a nail after getting them done, judgmental people, telemarketers, leaving no hot water when I am going to take a shower....

12.) Describe a typical day in my current life.

This is quite hysterical to me. I am basically a dog sitter all day long. I open and close the door for the dog to go in and out. I am in a transitional period in my life. After Michael had passed away, I moved back home with my parents. I am still unemployed at the moment, but I am going to graduate school in the fall. I have some health aliments that I am in the process of trying to get fixed as well.

13.) Describe 5 weaknesses you have.

Impatient, Out of shape, Indecisive, Not very dependable these days due to health problems, Soft spoken-doesn't speak out when needed.

14.) Describe 5 strengths you have.

Creative writing,  Friendly personality, Optimistic, Nonjudgmental, and Funny.

15.) If you were an animal, what would you be and why?

Definitely a cat. All they do is eat, sleep, and poop. Sounds like a good day to me.

16.) What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?

College graduation, starting Campaign Loud, my writing career, being the best aunt to my niece and nephew, and taking care of Michael like I did.

17.) What is the thing you most wish you were great at?

No doubt, singing!!!! I have ALWAYS wanted to be able to sing. I can't carry a tune! Every time I go to karaoke with friends, I wish I could get up and sing, but they would laugh me off the stage.

18.) What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?

This is a tough question, because I really haven't had to forgive much. When Michael was sick he told me he never meant to hurt me and wanted me to forgive him for everything he put me through. I told him he never did hurt me and I know he never meant to do everything he did. I guess that would be it.

19.) If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?

Malibu, CA. I LOVE the ocean and I love CA. Malibu to me is just refreshing and relaxing. I hope to someday work at a rehab facility in Malibu after graduate schoool.

20.)  Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.

My grandmother and I use to play cards on a Sat. night while watching The Golden Girls and Empty Nest. Those were the best times.
Dancing. I took dance and was on a competition team. Every memory I have from dance is a pleasant one.
My love for Kenny Rogers. I was just a little thing when I fell in love with his music. My grandmother would put his record on and we would sing and dance. I went to his concert when I was 4 or 5 and later on in life I went again.

The List: Part 3 will come soon. Until then, have a great week. 

Your Kiss is On My List

I have a group of friends I hang out with. They vary in age and some of the older ones like to give a peck on the lips as a goodbye sendoff. However, I turn and let them kiss my cheek, because number 1 I really don't like that. Number 2, my late boyfriend was the last person to kiss me on my lips and somehow in my mind I feel that I want to hang onto that kiss forever. I know that sounds crazy to some, but I feel that the next person to kiss me has to be one outstanding individual to let me go of Michael's last kiss. Am I being crazy?

Works Hard for the Money

I hope you enjoyed reading my last blog, The List: Part 1. I have decided to split that blog up into 3 sections. The List: Part 2 will come out soon. However, I feel the need to blog about another topic that has been plaguing me. 

Facebook status' are a dime a dozen. We all post about our lives, opinions, or about what is happening in the world. The one status that always gets my bones shaking is...."is headed to work...thousands of do-nothing, unemployed, drug addicted, unmarried, multi-children welfare recipients are counting on me to pay their way!!"

Now this status has many different levels to it. First off, not everyone who is unemployed is on welfare. Second, not everyone who is unemployed is a drug addict. Not all drug addicts are on welfare. The majority of them are functioning, working, people. This status is the stereotype of what we think welfare recipients are. We have a preconceived notion that welfare recipients are no good, they don't want to work, they want to milk the government, etc... Don't get me wrong. There are some people out there that intend to make welfare a career, but then there are some that want to rise above the poverty level.

This day and age, the majority of people are one paycheck away from the welfare line. Most companies aren't giving raises due to the economic status of our country. Insurance rates keep rising, food cost, taxes, etc... I know people who said they make less money now even though they received a raise than 5-10 years ago.  It is hard to save money as well. With all the expenses one has, especially a family of four, putting back money is almost impossible. Most of us are living paycheck to paycheck. 

When I was working that was the case. I got laid off from work in 2011. I am surprised I didn't get cut before then. I had a lot of health problems that kept me from going into work regularly. In high school I always got the perfect attendance awards. College, I even received special recognition for my ability to always show up to class. I am a stickler for being on time. Due to my personal situation with Michael and my declining health, my job suffered tremendously. When I did go to work, I kept a heating pad at my desk for a couple of my health issues and made sure I did breathing exercises as well. I would constantly have panic attacks at my desk that would make me freak out. There were a few times I almost went into a co-workers office and said take me to the mental hospital right now. Between everything I was going through, I was definitely having a nervous breakdown. So when I got laid off with 50+ other employees, I was actually relieved. 

I needed a break like no other. I did nothing, but sleep my life away. I was so drained that I just couldn't get out of bed. My body took on stress after stress that it literally said you gotta stop!!!!! Unfortunately, the only stress I left behind was work, which the work itself was not stressful. My home life was 10x more stressful than anything. I continued to take on that for many different reasons. It's hard to leave someone when they constantly tell you don't leave me or I will die. Please don't go, because you are the only thing that brightens my day. Your emotions and your mind are all scattered and you don't really know what to do. What if that person dies? Would you feel guilty for not staying? A million questions go through your mind. You think you know the answer to them, but until you are in that situation, you don't.

God knew exactly what he was doing for me. He knew I needed that extra time free from work to solely put my time and effort into Michael. I did exactly that. Michael finally passed and God knew that it was time to open new chapters of my life, which I am working on at the moment. I needed the time after Michael passed to grieve and continue to heal. Not only heal from Michael's passing, but my surgery that I had in October. 

Now that I am on a path to recovery, I am ready to set sail to a new journey. However, that journey isn't looking so good at the moment. I didn't realize I would be 33 years old, unemployed, living at home with my parents, and a widow (as I call myself). Not the picture I had in my mind, but if it wasn't for my parents, I would be HOMELESS at the moment and STARVING!!!!

I can't work a job that requires any kind of physical activity or standing due to back problems. I have to have a sit down job. I've applied for hundreds at this point, since Michael's death in June. I've only been lucky to have a few interviews, but out of those I didn't get the position. I'm not picky on the job either. I am a college educated woman, but a college degree these days, excuse my language, doesn't mean shit. 

Everyone is getting one. Not only that, but in times of struggle, people return to school hoping to better their lives, which is fantastic, but the jobs still aren't there when they graduate. The only thing left is a new pile of bills-student loans!!!!! I was receiving unemployment for sometime, but that has since deceased. My parents are stuck paying my bills. I have to have insurance due to my medical problems and doctors visits. That is the number one priority and next is car insurance of course. Medical bills from surgery are piling up. I am VERY thankful to them for helping me out. If it wasn't for them, I would literally be couch surfing at friend's or family member's houses.

Since I am not on unemployment anymore, I am not counted in the unemployment "rate." When they say unemployed is 7.9%, well, technically it is higher. Folks like me that don't have a job and aren't receiving unemployment benefits are lost out in space. I'm sure there are quite a few people in this world just like me. 

What do we do? I'm going back to school in the fall like everyone else does in a time like this as I explained above. However, it is in a field that has lots of potential and working environments. The opportunities maybe or may not be in my hometown, but I am willing to move. Not everyone can just pick their family up and move. I am in a position where I am able to do so. 

So, when you or someone else writes a status bashing people for being on welfare, just remember it could be you soon. I didn't ever think I would have to receive food stamps as an adult, but I did and I might have to again someday. Even though my parents are helping me out, they too have bills and obligations they must uphold. I can't count on them for everything.

I'm not expecting a free ride throughout life. I have goals and aspirations that I want to complete and making my own money is one of them.

 

The List: Part 1

Today's blog is a little bit different than the norm. Instead of talking about Michael and addiction, you will be able to get to know more about me. Browsing around on Pinterest, I came across a Pin connected to this blog, Hopes and Dreams. The blog outlines a series of 30 questions everyone should ask themselves. I decided that I would take the so called challenge. If you would like to answer the questions as well feel free and send us a link, so we can read them. We would love to get to know you as much as you are getting to know us. This will be a 3 part blog. Today we will answer the first 10.

The List: Part 1

1.) List 20 Random Facts about Yourself.
Left-handed, heritage is Greek, cheese is an entree on my plate, music soothes me, deficient in vitamin D, nickname SpiffyTiffy, been in 2 local television commercials, take baths instead of showers, swam with dolphins, Methodist, clogged at Dollywood, reality tv junkie, met Adam Sandler and David Spade, made straight A's one semester in college, named my grandmother geg-geg, HUGE Kenny Rogers fan, Audrey Hepburn is my idol, legally blind, lives at home with my parents, and loves to laugh.

2.) Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.

Frogs-I absolutely cannot stand them! I use to work at an aquarium as well. Ever since high school biology class and dissecting them, I don't do frogs.

Someone breaking in my home-Growing up, we thought someone was breaking in our house in the middle of the night, but it was the house settling and it cracked the glass on the door. Been scared of that since.

The dark-I think this is a fear for most people. I like to be able to see if anything is going to get me. LOL

3.) Describe your relationship with your parents.

My parents are THE BEST! I couldn't ask for better ones. They have taken care of me from birth and even at the age of 33, still continue to help and support me. I love them. I don't know what I would do without them.

4.) List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
Don't grow up so fast, Save money, Go off to college instead of staying home, travel, travel, travel, keep exercising in your twenties, don't worry about what others think, live at home as long as you can, volunteer more, be more outgoing, and use sunscreen (you are a child of the 90's if you get this reference.)

5.) What are the 5 things that make you the most happy right now.

My niece and nephew. They are 3.5 years old. They are a blast to hang out and play with. They make me feel like a kid again.

Friends. My friends are awesome! We always have a great time laughing and making memories.

Family. Without the love and support of my family, I don't know where I would be. We maybe a crazy bunch, but we all have a fabulous time.

Travel. I love to explore other cities and cultures. It makes me happy to go somewhere for awhile and just forget the day to day and take in the new ambiance.

The future. The thought of the future I have for myself makes me happy. It excites me to know that I can achieve all my goals and dreams.

6.) What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced. 
This one is easy. Michael's death. When you lose the one you love your life really does change upside down. The constant support isn't there anymore, the day to day interaction and bonding, the making memories, and most of all the love is gone. Definitely hard.

7.) What is your dream job and why?
Over the years I have had a couple of dream jobs. I use to want to be a news anchor for CNN. Didn't happen. Could possibly still, but I'm not holding my breath. I, then, wanted to be an author, which is still one of my dream jobs. I love writing and want to publish a book someday. Currently, my dream job is to become a licensed professional counselor and work in a rehab facility helping others with addiction.

8.) What are 5 passions you have?
Writing, traveling, cooking, dancing, and inspiring.

9.) List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how? 

My parents-They have supported me and have gave me such advice throughout my life to be who I am today.

Michael, my late boyfriend-His addiction influenced me on how I view others with addiction. He taught me patience along with a plethora of other life skills, and his constant support and love was amazing.

Grandparents-My grandparents were like my parents. They took care of me throughout my life and my grandfather, who is still living keeps his word to my grandmother to look after me. Without them, I wouldn't have learned great lessons of life.

Dance-All my friends that I took dance with along with my dance teacher. We were like a close tight knit family. We still keep in contact with each other. They all taught me how to be a part of a team and that we all work together for the common good.

Family-I have LOTS of family members. Each and everyone of them have shaped me in some way. I continue to look to them for guidance and  support.

8th grade English Teacher-I had an 8th grade English teacher that I later had in 10th grade as well. She not only cared about her students, but she went above and beyond. Her kind words and gentle soul really taught me that life is precious and to enjoy every minute.

Audrey Hepburn-A stunning classic. Her personality could charm anyone. Not only was she beautiful and a great actress, but her role as a humanitarian definitely puts her on my list. I hope one day I can be as successful as she was and a leave a long lasting mark on the world.

Friends-Each and everyone of them not only supports me, but gives me a reason to love life. Making memories with them is what life is all about.

My niece and nephew-They are 3.5 year old twins. They teach me to not be so serious. To have fun and just enjoy life. If you look at life from a toddlers point of view, life is grand. I want to have that feeling again like I did growing up. Not a care in the world.

God-Having faith and trusting in God is a wonderful feeling. My life might not all be roses, but God has a magnificent plan for my life and for that I thank him.

10.) Describe your most embarrassing moment.
In high school, it was pouring down rain. My friends and I had to walk from the gym outside to our next class. The rain was so bad that my umbrella flipped upside down and we got soaked. When we made it to our class, I looked at my teacher, but was talking to my friend and said, "Feel my pantyhose, they are soaking wet!" The teacher's facial expression was priceless. He said that was the best offer he would have all day, but he had to turn it down. I told him I wasn't talking to him, but he said you were looking at me. Pretty funny and embarrassing at the same time.

Pain, Can't Get Enough

 While doing my daily review of addiction news, I came across this article "Jenelle Evans and Courtland Rogers."Say what you will about the Teen Mom and her new husband, but this article struck a cord with me. Courtland Rogers was on the right path to baseball stardom and had a scholarship to play. One car wreck landed him in critical condition for 32 days along with his scholarship and basically his life taken away.

The pain medication the doctor's prescribed him for his injuries became more of a problem than he bargained for. He ultimate found himself addicted and is trying his best to stay sober. We wish him success. I never understood the prescription pain killer addiction until recently.

I had surgery in October for cyst and endometriosis. All my previous surgeries had been, I wouldn't call a piece of cake, but much more tolerable than this particular one. I was in excruciating pain. Of course I was prescribed an opiate drug for any aches that I had. I took them just like the prescription read. 1-2 pills every 4-6 hours as needed for pain.

I started out by taking one. One didn't quite enough cut the pain, so I stepped it up to two. Two seemed to work out perfectly. My mother didn't like the fact that I was taking these meds despite my pain, because she was afraid that I would get hooked on them. I assured her that I was taking them just like the doctor ordered and if I didn't have pain I wouldn't take them.

However, I started researching painkiller addiction and reading about how individuals become addicted. I now can obviously see how people get addicted to them. About two weeks ago I had complications from my surgery. I was in the most horrible pain of my life. My first go to was some Advil thinking it would manage my symptoms. Unfortunately, that didn't trigger any relief what so ever. I then went to my trusty pill bottle of Oxycodone. I took one pill. Hours later, I was still in massive pain. It had worsen and the next go around I took two.

By the end of the weekend, I had noticed that I had finished the bottle and my body was getting use to the two pills. It just wasn't doing the trick anymore. Since I was in agonizing pain, I didn't even think twice of popping the pills. I wanted the pain to go away ASAP. Luckily, my pain subsided and I was able to go on my normal days.

However, some people's pain continues and more pills need to be taken or higher dosages to keep the pain at bay. That turns one into what people call a "pill popper." I don't want to become a "pill popper," but what does one do when they are literally suffering? I have been checking into holistic and non-prescription treatments. The feedback I keep getting is that non-prescription treatment doesn't work as well as prescription treatment. It is worth a shot!

I hate taking medication, but sometimes it is unavoidable. Withdraw from the drug can be a bitch as well. If you think you are becoming addicted to pain killers, open up and talk to someone about it. Talk with your doctor about other avenues to manage pain without prescription drugs. People who already have an addictive mind can be easily addicted to prescription meds when prescribed for pain after an illness or surgery. Doctors don't always look out for that thing. Look out for number 1, which is yourself!

3:00 a.m. Eternal

It is almost 9 a.m. and I sit here without any sleep. I decided to Google, young widows, early this morning. I came across a forum for those who have lost their significant other at a young age. I started reading the post and got caught up in everyone's responses. I quickly made myself a profile and started chatting away. I replied on 8 post so far. I am sure once I get some sleep, I will be back to the board.

Who would of thought at age 33, I would be searching for a widow site? It became very surreal to me. However, I am lucky to have such support. There are quite a few widows/widowers out there that are young and looking for others to discuss their feelings with. I look forward to learning their story and whatever feedback they may have on certain situations or feelings that arrive during the aftermath of death of a significant other. 

It is hard to talk about my feelings with friends and family. Besides my grandfather, the others do not understand how it truly feels to lose the love of your life. It is very different than a break-up, which most people compare it to. Well, it is time to go to sleepyland. My eyes can't focus on the screen. Just wanted to jot down my thoughts real quick!

Letter for the Future

Growing up, my mother experienced depression and anxiety and my father found himself indulging a little too much in alcohol. Both situations shaped my life, but it wasn’t until I met my boyfriend in 2002 that I would spark an interest in the mental health field, especially substance abuse.

In high school, a class in television broadcasting led me to discover a career path that I thought I would flourish in. After graduation, I enrolled in college to purse my dreams of being a news anchor. Communications would become my Bachelor of Arts degree and sociology my minor. I would go on to work in the field as a copywriter for five and a half years. 

Writing has always been a passion of mine. It helps me channel my feelings in a positive way. However, in 2011 I lost my writing job due to the economic meltdown.  It was actually the best thing to have happened. While working full-time, I had the added stress of a 33-year-old alcoholic on my plate. I always told myself I was never going to follow in my mother’s footsteps and get involved in a relationship with an alcoholic, but I learned to “never say never.”

My boyfriend, Michael, was a bright young individual with lots of potential; A graduate with dual degrees with a B.S. in Computer Science and a M.S. in Criminal Justice. Interviews with job opportunities with the FBI and U.S. Marshalls, unfortunately, the bottle took everything away. While fighting his disease, I looked at addiction in a whole new light. Not only did I see it differently, but it physical changed me as well.

I started experiencing anxiety that forced me to take medication. It was the only way I could function without having panic attacks. I knew the situation I was in caused all the chaos internally. The anxiety eased, but Michael’s situation escalated. His drinking was way out of control and an intervention would take place. 

His father and I sat him down and discussed his problem and how rehab was the solution. He agreed to go, but after 14 days he left. Of course a 14 day stent is nothing. He was barely detoxed at that point. He proceeded to drink until it left him in the hospital with pancreatitis for a month. The sight of a grown man in a hospital bed with 2 main lines, a breathing tube, and 14 i.v. bags wasn’t something I expected to see at my age, especially due to alcohol.

I couldn’t understand why someone would drink themselves to that point. It wasn’t until his second attempt at rehab did I learn. After the hospital stay, he was enrolled at an inpatient rehab facility for 28 days. It would be at this rehab that I experienced my first family weekend. That weekend changed my view on addiction, alcoholism and my life. I was taught the tools and basics of the disease and how to help an individual cope. 

After he was released, he started his journey of sobriety and recovery. That journey didn’t last long. He never complied with the aftercare plan that his counselor put in place. The doctors warned him that if he didn’t stop drinking he would be dead within a year. The doctors were correct. Michael passed away June 15, 2012 of alcoholism. His kidneys and liver gave out. I did everything I could within my power to help him through his addiction. 

Being with him for 10 years was an adventure in itself. His addiction opened my eyes up to a new world that I never knew existed.  I would learn that my dad just liked to go out for a few beers with his friends after work a couple of nights a week and that my mom just didn’t like the fact he wasn’t at home with us. His drinking situation was much, much different than Michael's.

I’ve become engrossed in learning as much as I can about mental health and addiction. From my personal situation, I’ve learned that I want to make a career out of it. I want to help others and aid them in any capacity that I can. My ultimate goal is to work in the addiction field as a counselor.

I already started a non-profit organization called Campaign Loud (campaignloud.com). It is an organization spreading awareness about addiction and trying to change people’s minds that addiction is not moral as it is a brain disease. I am in the process of making it an official 501 (c) 3 charity. Once I get it official, the fundraising begins to help others with addiction and their families. I would even like to do speaking engagements. 

I am looking forward to studying again. After my boyfriend’s death, I moved back home with my parents and starting a new life. I have attended some bereavement counseling sessions and they have helped.

I realized that sitting behind a desk writing copy for products that people don’t really need isn’t what I want to do with my life. I want to make an impact. I want to actually help change someone’s life. I feel that is more valuable to me and my future goals. Michael would want me to do the same. He told me that he would have already succumbed to his disease earlier if it weren’t for me.  I agree and I want others to be able to say that I have had a positive impact on their life as well.