A Car Ride To Christmas

The following is an excerpt from Chapter 1 of the book, False Hope, that I am in the middle of writing. I would like feed back of what you think so far. The book is based on my journey of living with an alcoholic and how it effected my life, his and the people around us.

A Car Ride to Christmas

It was a frosty winter’s day. The celebration of Christ our King had come and the commercialization of Christmas drew to a close. However, the typical Christmas festivities would be interrupted by shiny red lights, which unfortunately wasn’t Rudolph’s nose. You see my boyfriend of 10 years, Mike, was a drinker, a heavy drinker at that. When it was time to conjugate in social situations, he would put on a “sober” face and carry on. He would then be back to his old ways within a few hours until the next gathering. This behavior eventually took a toll and caused a blue Christmas.

We awoke to a normal day at our downtown dwelling. We lived in a five story apartment building overlooking the beautiful scenic city. Both of us dressed, collected our presents, and were out the door. Our first stop along our route was my parent’s house. My family observes a traditional Christmas. The entire family-aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc… assemble for food and exchanging of gifts. The affection and love we have for each other is deeply rooted and shows.

After a long afternoon of conversations and bonding, the two of us left to embark on our next Christmas get-together, which was 20-25 minutes away. On our pleasant drive to Mike’s mother’s house, we both chit chatted about how the grey sky looked with the peak of sunshine bursting from the white fluffy clouds. It was then the unenviable happened. I heard a thud sound coming from the passenger’s side of the car where Mike was sitting. My first inclination was are you okay? As that thought raced across my mind, I glanced over to see if everything was alright. As I slowly turned my head to the right, I quickly saw what would become an occasional occurrence. Mike was uncontrollably jerking with his eyes rolled back into his head. I had never experienced such and was deathly afraid.

Mortified, I let out a huge scream that could only be comparable to a character in a Hitchcock movie. I drove as quickly and fast as I could up the winding ridge we were traveling and made it safe into a person’s drive way. I jumped out of my car and nervously flagged down bystanders for help. These two men came to my aide. Frantic, I told them the situation and that I had never experienced this type of activity before and I didn’t know what to do. They both went to the car where Michael was sitting to check up on him. I immediately dialed for emergency personnel.

As I dialed 911, I was hyperventilating. I didn’t know how the situation would turn out. The 911 operator told me to calm down and make sure Mike was breathing. As I approached the car, the two men were trying to speak to Mike. However, he was in a daze. I responded to the operator with a yes, he is breathing. She assured me that everything was going to be alright and help was on the way.

After I hung up with emergency dispatch, I immediately called my parent’s house. When they answered the phone, I quickly screamed, Mike had a seizure. Shocked, my parent’s told me to settle down that the ambulance would be there shortly to assess the situation. Shaking uncontrollably myself, I said my goodbyes and dialed his mother’s cell. Since we were literally down the road from his mother’s house, she and his sister drove up to the scene at the same time the paramedics arrived.

Treatment, Support, Life

For many years I hid behind a facade. I lived a life not known by many that took havoc on my physical and emotional well-being. I guess you could say it was my choice in the matter, but it was far too difficult and complicated to break loose. When I finally let the cat out of the bag so to speak, I felt a sense of relief and encouragement. However, I still have that preconceived notion in the back of my mind that states, “watch out for judgment.” 

Society’s stigmas are often harsh and negative, especially when it comes to drugs and alcohol. One who is an addict is frequently labeled with unfavorable jargon. Words and feelings expressed to an addict can have an impact on their addiction and the recovery process. Positive reinforcement and support lets one know that they can gain their life back with the right treatment. 

Treatment, support, life is a 3-step process that allows an addict to obtain a sober way of living. Treatment is the first step to any recovery process. One who is severely addicted may have to start the treatment process detoxing in a hospital setting. Alcoholics tend to detox worse than any other drug addict. Complications from detox include mild effects such as sweats and nausea and more severe reactions like seizures. A person going through what is known as the DT’s can simply die from it. One should not detox on their own. 

Once a person is fully detoxed, the treatment process continues. Group therapy, individual therapy, and 12 step programs are recommended for individuals with addiction. Inpatient and outpatient rehab is available as well. Both offer a patient a way to learn certain tool to cope with addiction. Those tools are important to maintain a sober lifestyle. 

When the individual is finished with treatment, further treatment and support is encouraged to keep a person living a clean life. Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), psychological therapy, sober living, etc… all help a person on a successful journey. It is very crucial that the addict following their aftercare plan. If they stray, the likelihood of relapsing is at a high rate. 

With treatment, along with continued support, the addict can start living the sober life they so hoped for. It is not an easy road by any means. It will be a challenge. There will be major ups and downs. Relapse is a very big possibility, especially once the addict is introduced back into their regular living environment. Temptation is all around us. However, if one sticks to their aftercare plan and continues to try and overcome obstacles one can make it out alive.

So Emotional

This month marks the one year anniversary of Whitney Houston's death. When I first heard that she had passed away, I was literally shocked. I know that she had gone down a spiraling path, but I am an optimistic person. I thought she would prevail. After all she was the quintessential queen of pop. Her strong vocals and high octaves sent chills. Who doesn't love the song, "I will Always Love you?"

I was upset at the days following her passing. Facebook status's were filled with the stereotypical drug and alcohol jokes. For anyone who has not been personally effected by the horrific disease they just need to shut their mouth. It isn't a joking matter. Some will say, stop being so sensitive, but it is someone's life here we are talking about. I couldn't imagine what Whitney felt inside. Why ridicule someone who was suffering tremendously?  Again addiction is not a matter of willpower. If it was, there would be people still alive today that fought so hard from the disease; my late boyfriend included.

In the last few days, country singer Mindy McCready's death has been receiving coverage on every news channel. She started having problems quite sometime ago and landed on the reality television show, "Celebrity Rehab," with Dr. Drew Pinsky. Since the show, it seemed that she was in the midst of turning her life around. However, in January, her boyfriend took his own life and that turned McCready's upside down. I personally know how it feels for someone to take their life. I had a great friend who committed suicide in 2009 and my boyfriend basically committed suicide by drinking himself to death in 2012. Both very tragic events.

McCready was a fabulous country singer. Her music shined in the country genre. Her hits were heard by many just like the sad news about her death. After I heard about her death, I was preparing myself to hear rude and insulting jokes about it. I was surprised that I hadn't heard anything, until I read this Fox News Article. Now I am sitting here fuming from my nose and my ears.

Dr. Drew Pinsky has counseled over 10,000 individuals for substance abuse and mental illness. His television series is a minor part of his overall career. What people don't understand is individuals who are sick with addiction or mental illness do not always survive even though they go to rehab. It is UP to the INDIVIDUAL to want to change. You can't make someone change their life when they don't want to. I spent 10 years of my life trying that and where did it end? Death. It put me almost in the mental hospital myself.

Rehab facilities are there to help the patient detox in a safe environment, teach them the tools to cope with the disease, design an after care plan that will hopefully lead them on the track to a sober life, but the patient has to want it. My boyfriend went to multiple rehab facilities. The first one he left early. Why? He claimed it wasn't working and he thought he was wasting his money. He again went to a different rehab facility for 28 days inpatient treatment. Not only did he learn a lot, I also learned a ton of stuff that I never knew. Family weekends are very important for family members to attend, so they can gain knowledge to help their loved ones during this difficult time.

My boyfriend chose not to follow his after care plan. He ditched it entirely. He needed to go to Sober Living is exactly what he needed. However, me, his family, counselors, doctors, etc... could talk to him till we were blue in the face, but it went in one ear and out the other. He thought he could do it on his own. He thought he had enough willpower to over come the disease and guess what? He didn't. It is VERY crucial for someone to have help and support. Most individuals do not like the stigma attached to addiction and mental illness and that is why they do not seek treatment or continue with their treatment plan.

Dr. Drew may have lost 3 celebrities that were on his show to addiction, but you can't blame him Richard Marx, comparing Dr. Drew to Dr. Kevorkian. I am astounded by that statement in the Fox News article. Obviously, Mr. Marx doesn't know what he is talking about. Not every doctor can save every patients life. Mental illness and addiction IS a brain disease. The brain chemically changes and individuals dealing with it are constantly struggling day to day. So yes, 3 people died from "Celebrity Rehab." However, look at all the other thousands of people that Dr. Drew was able to help and save.

I have always been a fan of Dr. Drew way before his "Celebrity Rehab" days. Now that I am more knowledgeable about addiction/mental illness and going to go to school to get my masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling, I understand most of the stuff he relays to his clients on the shows.

I am hoping one day that the stigma will change. I am also hoping that treatment is more readily available to those in need. Research before judging. These are people's lives we are talking about here. One day it could be the one you love struggling. Never say never.

The Old Cat Lady

This is my 10th attempt at starting out this blog. I wasn't quite sure what I wanted to write about exactly. I had a few ideas like sober companions, but I'm not feeling it. This has definitely been an off day for me. Being the first Valentine's Day without Michael has been kind of a downer, but not as much as not getting a job that I so hoped I'd get.

I've been out of work since August of 2011. For some time, I needed the break. Everything that went on with Michael was definitely stressful. I knew that it was my opportunity to return to school as well. I started school the spring semester of 2012 and was also scouting for a part-time position. I mainly went back to school to gain more knowledge and skills in the web design area. I noticed that a lot of copywriter jobs wanted someone with web design experience. I figured if I took a few classes that would boost my skill set and I would be more marketable for jobs.

I never received a part-time job during school. After school, I realized that web design was not for me. I did not like coding. I started to look for a full-time job in the communications field. I scored an interview for a position that would definitely enhance my career path. However, I didn't get the job. Michael became really sick right after and my time was focused on him. After his death, I needed a break. I was having a mental breakdown. I couldn't cope with a job at the moment.

A few months after, I started looking for jobs again and again. I would apply daily. I would apply ALL over the world. It just wasn't in my hometown. My friend, Sarah, moved to Atlanta and I used her address to try and score a job down in the Big A. I had phone interviews, but that is as far as it went. Of course, I was getting FRUSTRATED.

Month after month of job hunting, I decided that I didn't want to be in the communications field anymore. I decided that I wanted to do something within the substance abuse and recovery field. I saw that the local university had a program and I applied for it. All the while, I looked into getting a part-time job. With my back the way it is, I cannot stand. I have to have a sit down job. If I could stand, I would go get a job at the grocery store or at the mall.

The program at the local university required that I take the MAT test. I was in the middle of studying for it when I found out from my bereavement counselor that the program will only allow me to get a certain licenses and I really need another type of licenses to really get deep into that career field. So I put the MAT on halt and looked into some other college programs that my counselor and another counselor told me about.  I found a couple that I am definitely interested in. However, they are in other states. That would require money that I do not have.

My goal now is to get a full-time job that will allow me to save up money to make the transition into one of those college programs. Unfortunately, I am having a hard time finding a job. I'm looking for ANYTHING that will allow me to sit down. I don't care what it is. I really don't. I am not picky at this point. I have goals and I am going to achieve them. I will go back to get my Masters. It may not be this year or next, but you can guarantee that I will at some point and I will work in the human service/rehab field.

I am determined to get to where I want to be. Something ALWAYS gets in my way. During my twenties it was my situation with Michael. My therapist said that when he stopped growing because of his alcoholism, I stopped growing as well since I was his caretaker. I can fully start to grow again.

I need to stop comparing myself to others. Most of everyone I know has jobs, married, have a house, some have kids, etc... I have none of that. Is it on my list? It has always been on my list. However, I keep getting older and think to myself that none of that is going to happen and I am going to be the old cat lady.  I don't want to be the old cat lady. I'm trying everything within my power to not become that.

Just feels like I can't catch a break and it is hard watching others get the breaks they want. It is even worse when you live with depression as well. It takes you deeper down into a darker place. Writing is something that allows me to get all my feelings out in a positive manner. My therapist said it was a good way to channel my feelings.

Sorry if I vent a lot and complain. It is hard to be positive all the time when everything negative is coming your way.

You Gotta Get Up and Try, Try, Try...

Over the years, my health has deteriorated. Growing up, I never really got sick. I had the chicken pox as a child along with the occasional cold or sinus infection, but for the most part, I was a happy and healthy child/teen. My health problems didn't start until 2005. From then until now, my health has impacted my entire life.

In 2005, I started having gallbladder attacks. My aunt and mother, who both had theirs removed, knew that was the problem. My doctor insisted that it was just an ulcer. I took the ulcer medication he prescribed and it worked. It was a temporary solution to what could of been a fatal problem. My gallbladder was on the brink of exploding. It was so diseased. It also was fused together with my liver. This caused a 5 day hospital stay with a drain tube out my right side. Instead of the easy laparoscopic surgery, I had the old school cut open style. Talk about being out of commission for a month.

After my gallbladder attack, I started having what I would call is the most debilitating disease of them all; depression. If you haven't experienced true depression, I hope that you never will. You are literally a prisoner in your own body. "Snapping" out of it or just "getting" over it isn't an option. Believe me, I totally wish it was, however, it isn't that simple. How does one get depression? Is it genetic? Does other illness cause depression? There are many complex answers to questions behind depression. With that being said, treatment can be just as complicated.

I refused to take prescription medication for depression at the beginning. I thought I could handle everything naturally. I did everything I could find on the internet that was "suppose" to help holistically, but none of it worked. Each and everyone is different. I knew that if I wanted to escape this feeling, medication was my next viable option. Depression meds take weeks maybe even months to build up into your system. After being on one medication for a few months, I couldn't tell a difference. The doctor did what he knew and that was to switch to another type. That one didn't work either. Finally, Paxil is the only medication out of all the others to work properly for my body. As the saying goes, "if it ain't broke don't fix it," so I am sticking with 40 mg a day.

Medication isn't the only solution to depression. A structured, well-balanced lifestyle is just as important. Unfortunately, it can be hard to stick to such. I know that in my case all I want to do is SLEEP. I can sleep ALL day and ALL night. I am not even joking. That is a big red flag. It must be fixed. As of today. I must go to bed before 11. The doctor informed me of a sleep study that was done in the 1970's. He said it is still very relevant today. If you go to sleep after 11 p.m., your body loses 2 hours of sleep for every hour you stay up. Also, it doesn't matter if you sleep in. Your body never makes up for time loss. Only a 20-30 minute nap is allowed on special occasions.

As of right now, I have to FIGHT to stay awake. That is step 1. Step 2 is to continue my Paxil and step 3 is continue to go to counseling. Step 4 is blood work to see what else is going on with my body. My vitamin d deficiency has a direct correlation with my depression. A study found that depression can either cause a vitamin d deficiency or the lack of vitamin d can cause depression. They haven't found which triggers which. However, it is known that the two are linked.
Vitamin d deficiency can cause other health problems as well, which in return can cause other problems. A chain reaction.

My lower back has been in pain for quite sometime. I have had a MRI, various x-rays, and other chiropractic manipulation practices. Nothing came back on my MRI or x-rays and my chiropractor put me back inline. Nothing has solved any of my back pain what so ever. It is frustrating. I went to a new doctor today. He assured me that my lower back pain can be caused by things besides back problems. For example: my vitamin d deficiency could actually be causing it. If any of my blood work comes back with problems those issues could be the culprit as well.

The consensus? When your entire life is off balance, your health is off balance. Each little part contributes to the big picture. Baby steps=success. So here's to baby steps!

Why am I telling this? It is easier to just write a blog about it than telling 50 people individually. Also, someone who has depression might need advice as well. I am someone who only keeps certain things private. For the most part my life is an open book. I am okay with that. So as the doctor prescribed. It is bedtime :)

The List: Part 3

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a blog titled, The List: Part 1. If you haven't checked it out, it is a few post down. Instead of talking about addiction and recovery, I decided to answer 30 questions that I came across on The Hopes and Dreams blog. It is a little get to know me exercise. I decided to break it up into 3 parts. Part 2 is below and this will be Part 3. I have enjoyed sharing stuff about myself with you guys. Enjoy.

21.) If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?
I think if I had one superpower, it would be to teleport. I would love to be able to just go from place to place and time travel as well. The first thing I would do is teleport to Greece to see my ancestry.

22.) Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?

I use to have an answer to these questions. However, I have learned that life doesn't seem to always go on the path that one desires. Everyone has goals that they would like to achieve, so one of my short-term goals is to be in graduate school within 5 years and on my way to graduate. 10 years I hope to have a career in the recovery/mental health field. 15 years I hope to be continuing a life of success and maybe have settled down with my best friend/love of my life and have a rewarding future.

23.) List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them?

Travel-It is the only thing you can buy that makes you richer.
Dancing-Not only is it a great form of exercise, but it is fun.
Cooking-Who doesn't love cooking up yummy food?
Hanging with friends-I get to vent, bond, and gain knowledge from them.
Writing-It is therapeutic for me and well, I'm good at it. :)

24.) Describe your family dynamic of childhood vs your family dynamic now?

It is about the same. We have always been a close knit family. We celebrate birthdays, holidays, and other special occasions together.  We have lost the matriarch of our family, my grandmother, but we have gained new members as well.

25.) If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
Audrey Hepburn all the way. She is the quintessential female. Not only was she a spectacular actress and fashion icon, but she was a humanitarian. I admire her for her caring personality and hope to change the world attitude. I would eat whatever she was having.

26.) What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
I think the world has the whole mental illness/substance abuse notion wrong. I believe that society needs to be more knowledgeable about what mental illness is and substance abuse. The stigma's need to be slashed. More research and development needs to be achieved as well.

27.) What is your favorite part of your body and why?
This one is tough. In the past I would of said my legs. I use to be a dancer and had stellar legs. However, now days since I am unable to exercise due to lower back pain, I would probably say my hands, because they are able to help others. Anything I can do help others it is important to me.

28.) What is your love language?
I try to be nice to everyone. I want the world to be a loving place. In my personal love life, I think communication is the key. Being their best friend, honesty and bonding together, I believe keeps a relationship strong.

29.) What do people misunderstand most about you?
I don't think people see me as a serious person. In the past with everything I went through with Mike, my dedication to work and achieving my goals were put on hold. I think that people see that and think, oh she isn't responsible or can be misconstrued as "lazy." I am far from lazy. I went through so much during my twenties and up until the age I am now (33) that I can't begin to tell you all the things. I was responsible for helping someone stay alive as long as they did and I think that says a lot about a person.

30.) List 10 things you hope to be remembered for?
My kindness
My ability to be a great listener
My ability to help others
A great friend
A great companion and lover
A fantastic mother, if I ever have kids
How well I took care of Mike
That I didn't judge anybody and freely accepted others
That I changed the outlook on mental illness and substance abuse
That I always laughed and made the most out of life 

Because He Lives

Growing up, my family went to church periodically. We frequented a couple of churches, but it wasn't until I started going to the church my dance teacher attended, that we found our home. I started going to that church in the mid-nineties and my family would follow suit. Throughout college, I was a regular attendant. I went every Sunday morning. However, after college, I was a church dropout. Life got in the way. I had taken on a job that required me to work weekends. After I quit that job to move to a Monday through Friday nine to five job, I would find myself too tired from going out the night before. Before long, years and years would go by without stepping foot inside of a church.

When Michael and I first started dating, he would take his grandmother to church every Sunday. I never went, because he never invited me. I probably would of gone along. They both went to a Methodist church as well. Michael started slacking off and both of us would be Sunday morning sleepers. I could tell that I was lacking in faith and humanity. However, days, months, and years went on without having that spirituality that I once felt inside.

Michael also made me quite confused at times about religion. He was a very technical and scientific person. He claimed that since there wasn't concrete evidence (The Bible wasn't good enough) that God existed and people didn't really know what happened to a person after they die, that Christianity was just a belief and religion was a cult. His philosophies made me start to think. Not only that, but during this time period, life wasn't grand. It was on the downward slope. If God could make things all better, then why wasn't he?

I would often think back during my college years. Probably the best years of my life thus far. Not because of partying, I didn't do such, but the faith I had during those years. The faith, prayers and love of God was shown on both ends. I often dreamed of having that feeling and life again. I could, I know I could. God is always there and just a prayer away.

When Michael's sickness hit, there were lots of prayers. My faith in God starting turning. Michael always told me that he believed that God existed and that one day he would go to Heaven. He said he didn't see why he wouldn't, because he had been a great person. When he was in the hospital, a Chaplain came to pray with him and to reassure his faith in God. Michael said that he was going to Heaven.

I believe Michael did indeed meet our lord and creator. Through Michael's journey, I have reinstated my faith in God. My spirituality has had a resurgence. I've been going to the 6:00 p.m. service at the church I once was a part of. My family never quit. I still remember those same faces and happy times I shared with all. I am going to make new memories with them and a new journey with God. Our new pastor is very inspirational and funny as well.

While watching the Superbowl this evening, this commercial definitely was my by far my favorite. I remember going in the afternoon's to pick up my grandfather from work. My grandmother would have Paul Harvey on the radio. Those moments are everlasting in my mind as I grow older and mean the world to me. Good day!