Michael and I were together 10 years. We lived together 8 out of those 10. While we were never "officially" married, some states recognize that as common law. However, in the state of TN it is not. When he first passed away I didn't know how to address him. He was no longer my boyfriend as I was use to calling him. My good friend Kendra used the term "late boyfriend," which I found to be very appropriate. That is how I address him to this very day.
My question is what am I? Am I just an ex-girlfriend who is now single or am I a widow? All my friends have been signing up for dating websites recently. I decided to check it out. I have no intention of actually dating someone anytime soon, but I wanted to see what all the hype was about. As I signed up and viewed my "fake" profile, there it was staring in front of me; "single." Yes, I know filling out paperwork, I always had to mark the single check box, but in reality I was taken. This time it was for real. I felt like Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City when she had an epiphany.
My gut started churning and my mind started screaming no. Scrolling through the profiles only made it worse. I realized for the first time that this wasn't just a "break" from Michael. It was a "he is never coming back" moment. That terrified me. I sometimes feel like I am still in a relationship with Michael even though we are in two different worlds. I have yet to change my Facebook status or delete his number out of my phone. With time I am sure it will get easier, but so far it has become more of a reality.
My cousin's fiance said that she found it okay for me to call myself a widow, because I was "emotionally married." I deem that to be right. We both loved each other and had every intention of making it a legal union. Unfortunately, his alcoholism prevented that from happening. I felt married in every sense of the word. I also felt like I had been divorced from him at times too. It was definitely a relationship built on love and that is all that mattered.
Widow,
Tiffany
"I'm not single, I am in a long standing relationship with freedom, fun, and self love."
Friday, November 30, 2012
Spotlight on Giving
Tonight while I was on Facebook, a good friend of mine posted a status about the American Giving Awards that will be broadcast on NBC December 8th, 2012. He sees the show as a pomp and circumstance sham that only allows the network to make money off "a good deed." While I didn't agree wholeheartedly with his point of view, I do see how he would conclude that perception.
As someone who is in the middle of turning an organization into an official 501 (c)(3) charity, I see the awards show in a different light. I am pleased that Chase and NBC have teamed up to broadcast such an event. Organizations that normally wouldn't be spotlighted are receiving the recognition they deserve. Not to mention Chase is giving away $2 million dollars to 5 charities. It is a great way for charities to get their name out there and hopefully are able to network with one another for the common good.
It will instill that old adage "faith in humanity" to the viewers. With so much violence and tragedy on the tube, even if the network does make a profit, it will be a blessing to see something positive for a change. If you would like to vote for the charity of your choice, toggle on over to http://www.facebook.com/ChaseCommunityGiving and watch the American Giving Awards December 8th, 2012 on NBC.
Hopefully, one day you will see Campaign Loud be a part of the event. Until then, what is your stance on such an awards show? For? Against? Comment below and let us know.
As someone who is in the middle of turning an organization into an official 501 (c)(3) charity, I see the awards show in a different light. I am pleased that Chase and NBC have teamed up to broadcast such an event. Organizations that normally wouldn't be spotlighted are receiving the recognition they deserve. Not to mention Chase is giving away $2 million dollars to 5 charities. It is a great way for charities to get their name out there and hopefully are able to network with one another for the common good.
It will instill that old adage "faith in humanity" to the viewers. With so much violence and tragedy on the tube, even if the network does make a profit, it will be a blessing to see something positive for a change. If you would like to vote for the charity of your choice, toggle on over to http://www.facebook.com/ChaseCommunityGiving and watch the American Giving Awards December 8th, 2012 on NBC.
Hopefully, one day you will see Campaign Loud be a part of the event. Until then, what is your stance on such an awards show? For? Against? Comment below and let us know.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
A Hallway of Filled Emotions
Over the past couple of days, my mind has been plagued by a friend's son. He was in a very bad car accident this week. Tonight while hanging out with some friends, one of them gave us an update. I asked what hospital he was in and it ended up being the same one Michael had frequented. He told us the exact area and I immediately shouted, "I know that area all too well!" Sad, I know.
Following the conversation, my head started churning. I thought back over all the times I walked up and down the hallway to and from the ICU. Waiting for the clock to strike a certain time to go visit and talk to the doctors and nurses about the prognosis. I know the feeling that my friend's family is going through and how they are clinging on to faith and hope to keep their son alive. Those feelings really never go away. Well, for me they didn't.
I ended up knowing every short cut there was to and from different areas of the hospital. It seemed like I lived or worked there as much as I visited. I use to be afraid of hospitals. I got more comfortable as much as Michael went in and out, but now that he is gone, my fear has come back. I had surgery back in October and when I went in all I could think of was Michael laying in the hospital bed dying and that isn't the way I wanted to start my surgery out. However, my fear was quickly sedated by the "night night" juice they gave me.
Hopefully, my friend's family and their son will make it out and a short stint in physical therapy will get him back to 100 perfect. Michael's exits were never that easy. He would have to continue to struggle on a daily basis and try his hardest to overcome his alcohol addiction, which ruled his life. The suffering was sometimes unbearable for him and for his family to see. He thought he could do it on his own and that wasn't reality.
Life isn't easy. If you or someone you know needs help seek it. There is no harm in asking someone for guidance. There are people out in this world that want to help others get better. If you need to know where to go ask. Don't be afraid. As Eminem raps,
Following the conversation, my head started churning. I thought back over all the times I walked up and down the hallway to and from the ICU. Waiting for the clock to strike a certain time to go visit and talk to the doctors and nurses about the prognosis. I know the feeling that my friend's family is going through and how they are clinging on to faith and hope to keep their son alive. Those feelings really never go away. Well, for me they didn't.
I ended up knowing every short cut there was to and from different areas of the hospital. It seemed like I lived or worked there as much as I visited. I use to be afraid of hospitals. I got more comfortable as much as Michael went in and out, but now that he is gone, my fear has come back. I had surgery back in October and when I went in all I could think of was Michael laying in the hospital bed dying and that isn't the way I wanted to start my surgery out. However, my fear was quickly sedated by the "night night" juice they gave me.
Hopefully, my friend's family and their son will make it out and a short stint in physical therapy will get him back to 100 perfect. Michael's exits were never that easy. He would have to continue to struggle on a daily basis and try his hardest to overcome his alcohol addiction, which ruled his life. The suffering was sometimes unbearable for him and for his family to see. He thought he could do it on his own and that wasn't reality.
Life isn't easy. If you or someone you know needs help seek it. There is no harm in asking someone for guidance. There are people out in this world that want to help others get better. If you need to know where to go ask. Don't be afraid. As Eminem raps,
"I'm not afraid
To take a stand
Everybody
Come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just letting you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel like you've been down the same road"
To take a stand
Everybody
Come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just letting you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel like you've been down the same road"
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Dodging a Challenging Christmas
In my previous post "Tears and Cranberry Sauce," I reflected back on how Thanksgiving was a joyful holiday this season. Easily one of the best in my lifetime. I thought that would set the tone for the other holiday's, but I was mistaken.
I let my cousin and his fiance borrow my Christmas tree this year, since I have no use for it. They came over Sunday to retrieve the decorations. Going through them, I came across an ornament that literally put butterflies in my stomach. Michael had a 1971 Dodge Challenger that he restored. One year for Christmas he received a replica ornament of his car. It wasn't the exact same color or model, but it still brought that connection. I found the car ornament while rummaging through the decorations. It was a bittersweet moment to say the least.
That merry feeling that I was sure would bound over didn't. My disposition dropped. All those sad emotions surfaced. I then realized that Christmas would be tougher than I imagined. Michael loved Christmas. He would constantly keep the lights beaming on the tree and had a sentimental spot for Christmas tunes. Watching him glow was the only present I needed.
Michael was a depressed individual and Christmas shielded those emotions. Both of us could take pleasure in everything the season brought. However, this year I will be taking on the pleasure for both of us. He gets to celebrate Jesus' birth with Jesus' himself. How awesome is that? I just wish it wasn't so soon.
His last Christmas he donned a ugly festive turtleneck that was a hit with friends and family. This year he wanted to take a funny picture and send it out as a Christmas card. Instead, I am sending out cards with an in memorial note. Not to mention my Christmas buying list dwindled. I have always been more of a giver than receiver. I liked buying him gifts, especially the ones that he wouldn't purchase for himself. I knew it lifted his spirits to some degree and in return that made me very happy.
The sounds of the season are muffled and the candles don't shine as bright, but Christmas 2012 will be alright. I'll hang that car on my little desk tree and look at it thinking of he. Happy Holiday's and Merry Christmas. May 2013 bring blessings upon blessings.
If the holiday season has you down, think of the good times and memories. If that doesn't work seek out activities that take your mind away and provide a cheerful outlook. Friends and family can be an outlet to a rough holiday season. The comfort of them can help you stay strong and focus your thoughts on more grand possibilities.
I let my cousin and his fiance borrow my Christmas tree this year, since I have no use for it. They came over Sunday to retrieve the decorations. Going through them, I came across an ornament that literally put butterflies in my stomach. Michael had a 1971 Dodge Challenger that he restored. One year for Christmas he received a replica ornament of his car. It wasn't the exact same color or model, but it still brought that connection. I found the car ornament while rummaging through the decorations. It was a bittersweet moment to say the least.
That merry feeling that I was sure would bound over didn't. My disposition dropped. All those sad emotions surfaced. I then realized that Christmas would be tougher than I imagined. Michael loved Christmas. He would constantly keep the lights beaming on the tree and had a sentimental spot for Christmas tunes. Watching him glow was the only present I needed.
Michael was a depressed individual and Christmas shielded those emotions. Both of us could take pleasure in everything the season brought. However, this year I will be taking on the pleasure for both of us. He gets to celebrate Jesus' birth with Jesus' himself. How awesome is that? I just wish it wasn't so soon.
His last Christmas he donned a ugly festive turtleneck that was a hit with friends and family. This year he wanted to take a funny picture and send it out as a Christmas card. Instead, I am sending out cards with an in memorial note. Not to mention my Christmas buying list dwindled. I have always been more of a giver than receiver. I liked buying him gifts, especially the ones that he wouldn't purchase for himself. I knew it lifted his spirits to some degree and in return that made me very happy.
The sounds of the season are muffled and the candles don't shine as bright, but Christmas 2012 will be alright. I'll hang that car on my little desk tree and look at it thinking of he. Happy Holiday's and Merry Christmas. May 2013 bring blessings upon blessings.
If the holiday season has you down, think of the good times and memories. If that doesn't work seek out activities that take your mind away and provide a cheerful outlook. Friends and family can be an outlet to a rough holiday season. The comfort of them can help you stay strong and focus your thoughts on more grand possibilities.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Tears and Cranberry Sauce
The fall is always one of my favorite times of year. The autumn air and beautiful scenery make for a perfect season change, especially in the south. That is where I currently reside. I am kind of a nomad these days. I haven't set my sights on one particular place, but when I do, I am sure I will be able to call it home.
Home was different 6 months ago. My boyfriend of 10 years passed away of alcoholism in June. During those ten years, 8 of them we shared living together. We built a comfortable place that was loving, safe and overall fun. That place is no longer, but I am blessed to have another place that is always welcoming; my parents. Not what I expect 33 to be, however, it allows me to process my new life change.
I spent the first days of autumn in sunny California. The warm weather and love of extended family kept my mood elevated for the dreaded holiday months ahead. How can someone be sad sitting at Paradise Cove in Malibu chopping down on amazing carbalious french fries? I certainly can't. I would bring home a sunny disposition and an urge to relocate to the west coast as always.
A few weeks later the first Holiday of fall would appear. Halloween was always a favorite of ours. We would decorate our entire home and throw costume parties. This Halloween was definitely different. No decorations, no costume parties, no Michael. I had surgery a week before and would be bed bound on pain medication. Overall, Halloween was a bust.
My mood would sink a little as the days would become colder and the nights darker. On the horizon would be an unexpected surprise. The gluttony know as Thanksgiving would appease my palate. Not only was the food your standard Thanksgiving feast, but the family atmosphere made it all worth while. I invited two of my close friends to share this delicious holiday with me and my family. They fit in perfectly and had a wonderful day.
My cousin went to a small private high school. A few exchange students are attending the school and my aunt and uncle are in away like host parents. Three of the students (2 Serbia and 1 Lithuania) came over to experience their first Thanksgiving in America. Everyone had a BALL talking to them and getting to know their likes and dislikes of "the states." Who knew that they liked rap music and Kim Kardashian? Okay, so every 17 year old likes that stuff, but it was still intriguing getting to know about their culture and showing them ours. They are even coming back for Christmas.
This was suppose to be a Thanksgiving filled with tears and cranberry sauce. However, it was more like smiles and pies. I did think about Michael and wished him a Happy Thanksgiving in Heaven. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him. With the love and support from my friends and family, the holiday season isn't as gloomy as I imagined.
Surround yourself with positive people and lean on them when in need. It really does make a difference.
Home was different 6 months ago. My boyfriend of 10 years passed away of alcoholism in June. During those ten years, 8 of them we shared living together. We built a comfortable place that was loving, safe and overall fun. That place is no longer, but I am blessed to have another place that is always welcoming; my parents. Not what I expect 33 to be, however, it allows me to process my new life change.
I spent the first days of autumn in sunny California. The warm weather and love of extended family kept my mood elevated for the dreaded holiday months ahead. How can someone be sad sitting at Paradise Cove in Malibu chopping down on amazing carbalious french fries? I certainly can't. I would bring home a sunny disposition and an urge to relocate to the west coast as always.
A few weeks later the first Holiday of fall would appear. Halloween was always a favorite of ours. We would decorate our entire home and throw costume parties. This Halloween was definitely different. No decorations, no costume parties, no Michael. I had surgery a week before and would be bed bound on pain medication. Overall, Halloween was a bust.
My mood would sink a little as the days would become colder and the nights darker. On the horizon would be an unexpected surprise. The gluttony know as Thanksgiving would appease my palate. Not only was the food your standard Thanksgiving feast, but the family atmosphere made it all worth while. I invited two of my close friends to share this delicious holiday with me and my family. They fit in perfectly and had a wonderful day.
My cousin went to a small private high school. A few exchange students are attending the school and my aunt and uncle are in away like host parents. Three of the students (2 Serbia and 1 Lithuania) came over to experience their first Thanksgiving in America. Everyone had a BALL talking to them and getting to know their likes and dislikes of "the states." Who knew that they liked rap music and Kim Kardashian? Okay, so every 17 year old likes that stuff, but it was still intriguing getting to know about their culture and showing them ours. They are even coming back for Christmas.
This was suppose to be a Thanksgiving filled with tears and cranberry sauce. However, it was more like smiles and pies. I did think about Michael and wished him a Happy Thanksgiving in Heaven. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him. With the love and support from my friends and family, the holiday season isn't as gloomy as I imagined.
Surround yourself with positive people and lean on them when in need. It really does make a difference.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Welcome
Campaign Loud has officially kicked off its new Blogger site. Welcome and hope you will subscribe to us and continue to support such a worthy cause. We are still in the process of making Campaign Loud a 501 (3) charity. It is a lengthy process and we want to do it right.
If you don't know about Campaign Loud, we will share a little bit of background. Campaign Loud was founded in 2012. The organization is striving to provide information on drug and alcohol addiction. Many individuals do not have the knowledge about addiction. Our founder decided it was time to step it up and shout the TRUTH of what addiction really is and try to help others with addiction and those without. Addiction is a FAMILY disease. It just doesn't hurt the addict. Support is needed for everyone and Campaign Loud is here for anyone in need.
Our blog will consist of personal stories, insight, and news articles about addiction. We want to educate those who have addiction on the newest medical breakthroughs and those without addiction we want to help them understand the disease. You never know when you will need this type of information. Most of us all know someone who has or is recovering from addiction and any resources could be helpful in aiding their ability to live a sober life. Don't discriminate. Everyone deserves love.
If you don't know about Campaign Loud, we will share a little bit of background. Campaign Loud was founded in 2012. The organization is striving to provide information on drug and alcohol addiction. Many individuals do not have the knowledge about addiction. Our founder decided it was time to step it up and shout the TRUTH of what addiction really is and try to help others with addiction and those without. Addiction is a FAMILY disease. It just doesn't hurt the addict. Support is needed for everyone and Campaign Loud is here for anyone in need.
Our blog will consist of personal stories, insight, and news articles about addiction. We want to educate those who have addiction on the newest medical breakthroughs and those without addiction we want to help them understand the disease. You never know when you will need this type of information. Most of us all know someone who has or is recovering from addiction and any resources could be helpful in aiding their ability to live a sober life. Don't discriminate. Everyone deserves love.
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