I Do

Yesterday was 12/12/12. The last time we will see a chain of numbers like that for awhile. Of course dates like that bring out the weddings. My cousin and his now wife decided to celebrate their ceremony on that particular day. It was a beautiful service with holiday decor and a church full of friends and family. The reception was filled with yummy treats and a DJ spinning tunes. I enjoyed myself. However, today I have been somewhat down.

It was the first wedding I attended since Michael passed away. In our 10 years together, we never made it official by the courts, but we had plans too. Michael talked about how he wanted to marry me all the time. I, on the other hand, told him I couldn't marry him unless he got sober. Last summer after his stint in ICU and then alcohol rehab, he swore that he was going to stay clean and we would build a new life together.

During that period we realized that our 10 year anniversary was the next year and he wanted to do something grand for it. We talked about a cruise or exotic vacation. We also talked about having a small intimate wedding and a huge blow out reception. We even bought things here and there for it, but as life goes on none of that happened. He couldn't live up to his end of the deal. He couldn't even live up to the aftercare plan that his physiologist had put in place for him when he was released from rehab.

Addiction as I keep stressing to people is a very complicated brain disease. Being in a relationship with someone who is an addict is even more complicated. Luckily, Michael was a very loving alcoholic. People often ask me why I didn't leave? I didn't leave, because I LOVED him number 1 and he loved me more than he loved himself. Number 2, I thought if I left that he would die, which he ultimately did in the end. He begged me not to go and said that the only good in his days were that I was in them. How can you leave someone who says that? It's hard.

I stood by his side through the end and wouldn't have it any other way. I think if I would have left, I would have felt guilty for leaving. I don't have any guilt upon myself. I did everything within my power that I could to help him. It is hard to help your significant other. He or she is the person you lean on in times like these and I didn't have anyone else to lean on that understood my situation.

While watching my cousin's fiance walk down the isle, I got teary eyed. It brought back all those emotions that I had felt for Michael and the love that we shared with each other. I don't think I will ever get over him. I'll move on, but I'll still have a special place in my heart for him. It wasn't like a bad break-up it was death that separated us. A very different situation that most 33 year old's don't understand.

I am content with being single. I can't imagine getting in a relationship with someone else that isn't Michael. I know overtime my feelings will change, but for the time being, I am focused on Campaign Loud and going to grad school. A nice hug every now and then would be appreciated though. Congrats to my cousin and his new wife. I hope their marriage last a lifetime!