What's my status?

Michael and I were together 10 years. We lived together 8 out of those 10. While we were never "officially" married, some states recognize that as common law. However, in the state of TN it is not. When he first passed away I didn't know how to address him. He was no longer my boyfriend as I was use to calling him. My good friend Kendra used the term "late boyfriend," which I found to be very appropriate. That is how I address him to this very day.

My question is what am I? Am I just an ex-girlfriend who is now single or am I a widow? All my friends have been signing up for dating websites recently. I decided to check it out. I have no intention of actually dating someone anytime soon, but I wanted to see what all the hype was about. As I signed up and viewed my "fake" profile, there it was staring in front of me; "single." Yes, I know filling out paperwork, I always had to mark the single check box, but in reality I was taken. This time it was for real. I felt like Carrie Bradshaw in Sex and the City when she had an epiphany.

My gut started churning and my mind started screaming no. Scrolling through the profiles only made it worse. I realized for the first time that this wasn't just a "break" from Michael. It was a "he is never coming back" moment. That terrified me. I sometimes feel like I am still in a relationship with Michael even though we are in two different worlds. I have yet to change my Facebook status or delete his number out of my phone. With time I am sure it will get easier, but so far it has become more of a reality.

My cousin's fiance said that she found it okay for me to call myself a widow, because I was "emotionally married." I deem that to be right. We both loved each other and had every intention of making it a legal union. Unfortunately, his alcoholism prevented that from happening. I felt married in every sense of the word. I also felt like I had been divorced from him at times too. It was definitely a relationship built on love and that is all that mattered.

Widow,

Tiffany

"I'm not single, I am in a long standing relationship with freedom, fun, and self love."